finding him

"I think it's because deep down, I know that if I truly seek God, if I ever really found Him, my heart, my life, all of me would never be the same. And that's scary. Especially for someone like me who has an extreme aversion to change." -Sarah, "Supposing We Really Found Him"

One of the biggest goals that I have this year is to really strengthen my personal relationship with God. While it hasn't been a bad relationship, I know that I haven't been giving my all, which interestingly enough, has been a trend with almost all of my relationships. I've had ex-boyfriends tell me that they felt as if I hadn't been willing to give them all of me when we were together, that while they would continue to open up over time, I would slowly but surely begin to put up a facade until I eventually fade away and break up with them--this has happened several times, I've actually never had a real, successful relationship. Back to the subject though, I worry that this is the same way that I handle my relationship with God. It's all good until I start feeling like I really need to open up, it's hard to admit your shortcomings, and since he already knows anyway what's the point in discussing it? Yeah...that's not the best way to handle certain issues.

Moving forward, the quote from Sarah really struck me because I realized the real reason why I'm so reluctant to really press forward. The fact of the matter is I don't really hate my life right now and I'm not fully sure that I'm ready for the way my life would change after a real encounter. I love God, I do...but in order for this relationship to work, I have to be willing to lose a bit of myself  all of myself for a bigger purpose. It's the idea of it being all about HIM and I know that some of the things that I enjoy aren't really high on his list of "likes" and that's...difficult to accept.

But I've made the decision that I'm willing to do more than just try, I'm willing to go forward and actually work for what I want. An encounter, a touch and ultimately a real relationship--my first and most important one.