adult life

Let's begin by saying "Oh my God, I have so much catching up to do on my Google Reader..." it's kinda ridiculous. Actually...it's more than kinda ridiculous, it's more like around 200 posts that I need to read.

(._. )

How do things get like this? Anyway, it's been a few days since I've posted because I've been on the road from New Jersey to Florida, a lot of packing, a lot of craziness...but, I just wanted to leave a quick update on what's been happening, namely being in Panama City Beach and being super close to being in an apartment! Depending on if I can get a security system installed, that will determine when I move in. I'm super excited. That's all I can say about that.

I'll be writing more soon, but I really should go to sleep.

By the way, it's so weird being in a different time zone. I want to be back on eastern standard time...but alas...that's all.

best big sister ever

Oh yes...I have the best big sister you could possibly have in the world. Why do I say that? Because it's true. One of the most true statements I could ever make. My big sister also works in television, she's at FOX in NY working as an overnight coordinator...she sent me an email yesterday and here's a bit of it that I'd like to remember forever because it reminds me why I'm so blessed to have the family that I do:

First things first, you won't "screw" this up, so get that notion out of your head. You'll mess up, you'll forget things, you'll disagree with management, you'll be youtubeable, but you'll be wonderful. That's already in you! Messing up makes you human and you'll learn quickly from your mistakes. It's not brain surgery and it won't be the end of the world if you make a few mistakes.

Okay, for the new job, it sounds like you're going to be a one-man band, which is a big undertaking. It's a boobie trap for a stressful environment. Since, you know that, you've already fought half the battle, now overcome it. Focus on the bigger picture, don't sweat the small stuff, smile, read the bible daily, condition your mind and condition your heart. There will probably be days when you want to slap the spit out of the mayor or a city councilmember, but always remember to take everything in stride. It's part of the battle of being a journalist and you signed up for it. Will you love it everyday? No. Will everyday be rewarding? No. But, as long as you're in the trenches giving people that voice they don't have, then you've done your job, well that day. It's going to be tough, but you're a fighter and you're officially in the trenches. Embrace those moments.

I truly believe that no one will ever be a better big sister than her. Nope. Not ever.

the ending

I owe pictures for what...the past 2 or 3 days? I don't remember...this week has been a haze.

Today is my last day at work and it's really kinda pointless for me to be here. Honestly, the primary role that I have here for the first five hours of my shift is getting scripts out to the anchors, however the girl replacing me has been coming in during the mornings, so there's been nothing for me to do. This has been good for me as far as reading what's happening in Panama City as well as reading plenty of random blogs that I've been missing out on.

As far as packing goes, almost everything is done. My clothes are all packed up, but I still have to get all my shoes and books together. I'm really unmotivated to do much of anything. I really...just want to sleep. I don't want to drive to NC, I don't want to drive to FL...I'm feeling this sort of random defeat that doesn't really make sense...even as I type this out it doesn't make sense to me. I think I'm just scared of what is about to come, living on my own, being a reporter, for real...it's so much responsibility.

I'm just tired.

There was something else I wanted to say...I forgot it. Maybe it'll come back when I finally post the pics...hopefully today...maybe tomorrow. Ugh. I feel like death. Not really. I just feel like I need sleep...asapedly.

tired

28/365: I feel emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually drained right now...and while I should feel grateful for all that's happening right now, I just...I don't feel anything.

My best guess as to why? I think my period is coming. It's never been like this before though.

Also..my eyelashes look like spider legs...or worse...centipede legs. *gag* I need sleep.

inspiration

27/365: My grandfather has always been my biggest inspiration for everything I do, but especially as a journalist. Yesterday, I got the confirmation that everything went through fine for all my testing and I can officially say that I am a reporter. I am too happy and I know that my family is incredibly excited for what all is to come from this.

Anyway, yesterday (1/16/11) I took this picture of my grandfather receiving the Drum Major for Justice award from Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc. for his work towards empowering young black men. The award, inspired by the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is a big accomplishment, but for my grandfather it meant more to talk about my grandmother and myself while accepting his award. Needless to say, he is very proud of what I'm doing and I hope to continually make him proud.

This is my last week living up north...it feels odd saying that, because I could eventually be back here, but this is definitely my last extended bit of time up here for a few years. I leave Saturday first for North Carolina and then on Sunday morning I drive down to Florida, check into the hotel, wait for my grandmother so that we can start the search for an apartment.

This is real life.
This is really happening...right now.

look back

The importance in knowing our history is pivotal to our moving forward...how can you expect to get anything accomplished while you move towards the future when you have no idea how things went down in the past?


These words are ringing in my head. I'll admit as we come up on MLK weekend, I'm grateful for the day of relaxation (which I would have had off anyway since I don't work Mondays) but it always tweaks me a bit that I don't know as much as I should about my own history. Years ago my grandfather got me a book titled Walking with the Wind, a memoir of the civil rights movement.

I never read it.

I tried to...I opened it up, started to digest what was being given and then I stopped. I'm more than a little disappointed in myself if I have to be honest because this is something incredibly important to my life because as much as people play the race card and talk about how terrible slavery was, many of us don't know the actual ramifications of what our ancestors went through. I say our ancestors because I identify more with them than I do with my actual African roots. I can't trace my family back to what tribe we were from, I can't even trace my own family back too many generations because information isn't around...but what I do know is that my grandfather, the man whose house I live in currently lived through segregation, dealt with the real issues, and for me to be uninformed is a disgrace.

Before this year is over, that book will be read...and I know there are so many months before this year is over, but I know that if I give myself a specific date, it won't happen...I'll get bogged down by the details of this decision--but this is something that I need in my life and I can't wait to learn more about the ancestors that made the most difference to my life.

get free

26/365: The two men on this stage are phenomenal...The Musician and The Poet. Last night (which was today according to my camera--woot, because I definitely haven't taken too many pictures today after getting home from my night out) was so much fun. I got to see Tim, one of my dearest guy friends as of late, and treated him to a great dinner at Ms. Tootsie's as a parting gift of sorts. He was more than pleased with getting a free meal and having car service since I was his acting chauffeur, lol.

I was supposed to have Jasmine as my +1 for the performance that I was going to which featured Jaguar Wright, but she dropped last minute. I invited Tim to take her spot, but since The Musician is the one who managed to finagle the arrangement, Tim decided that it was probably not in his best interest to show up as my date, so I arrived solo.

Once I arrived, I shuffled my way to the front and stood diagonal to where The Musician was playing...it took him about ten minutes to realize that I was in the crowd, but once he saw me he smiled and waved at me, to wich all the other girls that were sitting near where I stood turned to look at me. A little later in the night, I turned and saw The Poet standing to my side. We met over the summer when I went to an open mic event (which was incredibly dope) and he and I had since followed each other on Twitter and became friends on Facebook, though our interaction was minimal at best. I gave him a big hug, told him about my new job and we chatted a bit before he made a casual comment about The Musician and how it was...I suppose kinda obvious that there was something between us. He asked if we were dating and I said, "no, no...we're just friends," which is the truth, but he chuckled while pointing out that my cheeks were slightly flushed to which I replied that the makeup that I was wearing clearly had him mistaken.

It was a great night. The Poet performed a love poem that was just...amazing, The Musician rocked out with his bass and kept his attention on me, casually making goofy faces and responding to my expressions whenever the host would make some sort of offhand comment about sex or drinking. Afterwards, I spoke with The Poet where he admitted that he didn't realize my age (he's 32) and said that he wished me the best of luck with my career before noting it was definitely the right look for me since I had such a beautiful face and such gorgeous skin *blushblushblush* lol.

Afterwards, The Musician and I went out to a bar where all the craziness of the night truly played out...it was hilarious, definitely one of the top times out for me, probably because I was with him. He said he would come visit me in PCB. We'll see what happens with that.

mass confusion

I. Move. This. Week. As in, I need to have all my stuff packed to drive from NJ to NC and then to FL before Saturday when I dip out in the morning. On a sidenote: I still don't know if I technically have this job because I still haven't heard back about the drug test and about my letter of agreement. Oh. Great. I believe that I'm good to go. I'm only...slightly freaking out because I don't really know how these things work and it's not like I go to a happier place on a regular basis (omg that sounds terrible to me as I type it out...you can tell I don't do this often!) and if I were to not get this job...because of this...I'd be mad as all hell...but you win some, you lose some...this would be a major loss though. Make no mistake. 

24/365: This is The Producer. We had our last date...up here at least yesterday. We spent all night at Barnes and Nobles--y'all might think it's corny, however, I had a great time. We had a long talk...and I had spinach and artichoke quiche--I'm sorry, I love food...it's amazing. 

I decided to come clean yesterday about how I felt emotionally, ie. the lack of *ahem* sexual chemistry between the two of us...and wouldn't you know that by the end of the night I wanted to jump his bones. 

Yeah. Didn't make sense to me either.

BUT, regardless, I didn't. We had a long talk about my past and we just spent a lot of time learning about each other. Or rather, he learned a lot about me in a very short time. So much so that he said that he's going to base a movie character off me and when I asked who he'd have play me he said Zoe Kravitz...I consider that a definite compliment.

Funny moment: After telling him about my kinda sorta jacked up past, he said, "Don't take this the wrong way...I don't mean to come off as callous...but I really wish I had recorded that on camera because I'm going to base a movie on a character about you." I felt like that was the ultimate compliment, lol.

25/365: Okay...finally back on track. So yesterday I went shopping with my grandmother for clothes and today I went shopping for make up. LET ME TELL YOU--had I known before what I know now...my professional wardrobe would be massive. 

Can I just brag for a second? (Who gon' stop me huh?) I got 1 dress by Tahiri, 3 by Calvin Klein, a suit from Calvin Klein and another one from Nine West AND a top from Nine West. How much should it have been? $1,044. 

How much did we spend? $278.

TWO HUNDRED SEVENTY EIGHT. This. Is. Major. And everything is freaking beautiful. EVERYTHING.

"good enough" isn't good enough

"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best." -Oscar Wilde

Love sucks.
Actually, it's not that love sucks, it's that feelings are fickle and I still haven't quite learned how to decipher my own. It's like I'm programmed to hurt people by trying to not hurt them.

Let me explain.

My last few boyfriends, read as: almost all of my ex boyfriends, I didn't want to date...but I didn't really have the heart to say that. I simply really enjoyed their company. I wanted to be around them more than other people and I could be kinda possessive...and I really liked kissing. That's all there was to it. I was a shameless flirt and while I'm not as shameless anymore...well...I'm still a flirt.

When it's all said and done, no matter how much I may say that I would love to find love, I know that I will never actually be satisfied with whatever is given to me because I'm a pretty ungrateful person and I have yet to find someone who can be close to me that doesn't lose my interest within a couple months...and what's worse, the ones that do capture my attention? The ones that don't want me.

But of course. That's how the universe works, you know?

The beauty of the situation is this...I don't really have time for a relationship since I'm in a huge transition...probably one of the biggest of my life since it's kinda starting my entire career...but seeing friends getting engaged, getting married, and having kids--all different friends and all in different stages of life but all between the ages of 20 and 23--has me feeling a bit lonely.

Oh well. I have my career to keep me warm at night.
I just had to type that out to see how lonely it made me feel.
Pretty dang lonely.

catch up

So what's really good? Well...everything...for now at least, I'll know just how good everything is in the next couple days...but I'll save that for an all text post. Onto the pictures for today and yesterday since I failed to do any writing.

22/365: Yes...that is what you think it is (ie. urine) because with every great opportunity there are random things you have to do and when you're starting to work in a small area, the likelihood of you having to do pre-employment drug screening is kinda...likely. 

My older sister balked at the whole idea, "if the people up here had to do drug testing...man we wouldn't have any anchors or reporters." Well..at least I know what's happening up in NYC.

So that's what my life is right now, waiting for the results from this and waiting for my driving record to be scanned to see if I qualify for the job that I was offered. To my knowledge I should be fine...but if I were to not get this job? I'd....I don't know what I would do.

And can I say that my urine looks healthy...to me...like as far as umm...color? Nevermind. I don't know why I'm even discussing this...lol.

23/365: This was the rose from my Christmas gift from The Producer...I decided I wanted to dry it out so I could keep it long past when things ended with him. 

I know, I know, I'm a terrible person.

But realistically, things weren't going to work out no matter how much of an amazing guy he was...and why is that? Because sexual attraction matters...and I have none with him. No matter how much I may want to think about what a great guy he is and how he's got so much going for him, I know me...and I know that I don't really like him...I like how he makes me feel. 

And that's just not enough.

fists of fury

21/365: Today has been ridiculously hectic, but thankfully it slowed down significantly around 3:30 when The Producer asked me if I'd be available to pick him up from the airport since he was coming in from North Carolina and I had already stated that we needed to get together to celebrate my new job. His flight was scheduled to come in at 5 pm and I was more than pleased to be there to welcome him without any plans on how we would spend the rest of our time together.

As luck would have it, he's handy with his cellphone and after putting in some random information we were off to get some yummy pho and enjoy one another's company. After a couple hours together, we (meaning I) decided we should get dessert and we went to Max Brenner and that is how this picture came to be. I'm not even completely sure what it was called (because we got the sharing fondue platter which was way too much, but do I care? No. Not one bit.) but it was the best part of the entire dessert.

So. Freaking. Good.

Strawberries, ice cream, a waffle, blue berries, powdered sugar? Ugh. Heavenly.

It was just a great night out...we stayed until around 9 because I have work in the am and Lord knows I need whatever sleep I can get, especially since tomorrow might end up being a late night too with the company party--did someone say open bar?

Oh. I'm in there.

In more serious news about the whole man situation, I'm kinda at a loss for what's about to happen. In 3 weeks, I'll be in another state and well...that's just how life goes sometimes. The Producer and I might go away this weekend...we'll see what if things work out, but if they do it's sure to be a great time.

I won't address the fact that I got all emotional because of a song and almost cried in the car though. Nope. We won't go into details about that...until tomorrow. Or something, lol.

change is a'coming

20/365: Life comes at you fast.

And now I'm preparing to pack up everything that I own to move from my home with my grandparents in NJ to get an apartment in a city in Florida because I just landed my first reporting gig. Yes. Me. On TV. Being...*eyebrow raise*...serious.

I know. It's hard to imagine...but go with me on this.

Anyway, I'm turning in my two weeks notice on Wednesday and then it's all up from there.

To celebrate my new job, my grandparents and I went to the Sixers game against the Indiana Pacers. It was so much fun, we ate at the Capital Grille, I had filet mignon and garlic roasted mashed potatoes (so yummy) and then we watched them kick some tail.

The apprehension about what this job means for me didn't come until about 15 mins ago when I stopped to think about the fact that I'm packing up everything and leaving in less than a month. In less than a month...everything...everything changes.

plump

19/365: Today was a good day. Church was good, the lesson was on point and my hair looks fantastic…and I had fried chicken.

More important than fried chicken but less important than church was the conversation I had with my old UF friends Val and Vince. We chatted about our love lives and our work situations, how I'm part time in Philly, Vince is interning in NY, but might be getting something out in Orlando, and Val is packing up and going out to LA on a whim.

It's crazy what our lives are becoming…we're adults and we're learning about what we want, going for our dreams and loving it.

cluttered

18/365: Today's picture doesn't have a story. I've spent the majority of the day split between listening to music I'd never heard of before and reading...both of those endeavors were successful as I'm now halfway through The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society after hardly scarcely touching it since picking it up and finding so many amazing songs that I love.

I've been working at doing things that I enjoy, and one of those things just happens to be doing nothing. I did my hair and sat around the house in my robe and just smiled all day as I read and listened to music--to some it might be a waste of a day but for me, it was just calming. I spoke to one of my best friends on the phone and we discussed work, love, and some other more random things--like modern day interpretations of biblical stories, trust me, it got kinda ridiculous.

Anyway, about the picture...since my parents and sister left to go back to North Carolina, I haven't moved out of the middle room. Some background: as soon as I moved into my grandparent's place, I took up residence in my mother's old room. It's the first room you can go into once you come up the stairs and has a decent amount of space, it's very grown up. The middle room is my old room. It's always been a bit cluttered. There's old dolls on the dresser, stuffed animals, and then there's the fact that once we moved out, my grandmother moved all of her stuff in, so there's boxes and the closet and drawers are full. The middle room is also really small, so the clutter just jams everything right up against well...everything.

Normally, once my parents visit, I'm relegated to the middle room which is shared with my younger sister (I swear, there is no room to walk when the both of us are in this room...it's just too much stuff everywhere) and then once they leave, I move back into the other room. For whatever reason, I didn't do that yet and they've been gone a week now. It's...weird.

Anyway, while looking around this ultra dirty, ultra unorganized room I laid my eyes on a box. I've seen it several times, but I never really paid much attention to it. In fact, I couldn't tell you what pictures are on the other side of it. I know the one facing the bed (the focus of the picture) is a picture of my mother and the one next to it is my great-grandmother I think, but for some reason I never want to touch anything in the room. I never touch the dolls, if I do, it's almost like I'm scared--terrified that I'll ruin something. The only things I touch in the room are the things that I brought into it.

The more I think about that, the more awkward it is to me. So yeah...that's today's picture. I'm just going to sit and muse about how scared I am to break anything I touch.

"where cynicism meets pragmatism."

17/365: There were so many pictures I could use for today's 365er...but in the end this one won out because of the circumstances. 

Today has been amazing, I don't know if it's because it's Friday or if it's because I had a burrito for breakfast with cran-grape juice rather than my mint hot chocolate and sugar raised donut, but overall it was just an amazingly great day full of insightful conversations with The Producer...that's what I'll call him...I mean, that's what he is, lol.

Anyway, after a great day at work where I got to meet some of the cheering squad from the Sixers (by the way, whoohoo for our victory today, I'm a Philadelphia girl through and through when it comes down to the sports) and take some great pictures of the sun rising over Center City, he and I made plans to grab a lunch and met at this quaint little place called Euphoria where we got these pressed sandwiches and some tea (Arizona iced for me and normal, hot tea for him, lol) before settling down in on the couches and having what would turn into a 6 hour conversation where we discussed everything from his movies and my career ambitions to my doubts about love and our interesting family backgrounds to the most important part of the conversation: what a producer actually does in a movie.

It would suffice to say that we had a great time and the conversation was a great way to really see deeper into what he is about and of course that presents opportunities for us to bump heads--which we did...and since we're still in the cutesy frame of our...thing (?) we just bounced off and made it into jokes and sarcasm which has made our time together been quite entertaining. All that being said, I'm happy with what's going on with that situation, we don't see eye-to-eye on everything, but we see enough to have a good time together.

finding him

"I think it's because deep down, I know that if I truly seek God, if I ever really found Him, my heart, my life, all of me would never be the same. And that's scary. Especially for someone like me who has an extreme aversion to change." -Sarah, "Supposing We Really Found Him"

One of the biggest goals that I have this year is to really strengthen my personal relationship with God. While it hasn't been a bad relationship, I know that I haven't been giving my all, which interestingly enough, has been a trend with almost all of my relationships. I've had ex-boyfriends tell me that they felt as if I hadn't been willing to give them all of me when we were together, that while they would continue to open up over time, I would slowly but surely begin to put up a facade until I eventually fade away and break up with them--this has happened several times, I've actually never had a real, successful relationship. Back to the subject though, I worry that this is the same way that I handle my relationship with God. It's all good until I start feeling like I really need to open up, it's hard to admit your shortcomings, and since he already knows anyway what's the point in discussing it? Yeah...that's not the best way to handle certain issues.

Moving forward, the quote from Sarah really struck me because I realized the real reason why I'm so reluctant to really press forward. The fact of the matter is I don't really hate my life right now and I'm not fully sure that I'm ready for the way my life would change after a real encounter. I love God, I do...but in order for this relationship to work, I have to be willing to lose a bit of myself  all of myself for a bigger purpose. It's the idea of it being all about HIM and I know that some of the things that I enjoy aren't really high on his list of "likes" and that's...difficult to accept.

But I've made the decision that I'm willing to do more than just try, I'm willing to go forward and actually work for what I want. An encounter, a touch and ultimately a real relationship--my first and most important one.

avoiding the obvious

16/365: These are some cute puppies.

So. Freaking. Cute.
And I know that normally I have some story about stuff that goes with my pictures, but today, it's really about the puppies...why? BECAUSE THEY ARE SUPER CUTE...and I want a puppy.

• ...and I'd like to forget the fact that my car didn't want to brake on some ice and that I slid up a curb.
• ...and I'd like to forget the fact that I found out this cute guy at my job is 34...which is kinda creepy because of the flirty...like...blegh. He's 12 years older than me...closer to my mom's age than mine and I'm not ready to think about......BLEGH.
• ...and I'd like to forget that I'm still just a production assistant.
• ...and I'd like to forget that...nope...everything else is okay.

So...look at those puppies.

:)

the morning after

So, yesterday I kinda touched on the whole quarter-life crisis thing that 20-somethings go through, the whole concept of middleness and feelings of inadequacy that can come when you've graduated from college, but you haven't quite gotten to the next stage that you envisioned coming next. It's actually a pretty piss poor time of life if you focus on the negatives rather than looking at it as a time for some real self discovery, soul searching...but you know, with the way society works, it's no surprise that rather than enjoying our time out of school and learning what we really want to do with our lives, we're flipping out about why we haven't landed the dream job, why we aren't in a serious enough relationship--or if we are in a serious relationship, why we aren't engaged yet--it's just one thing on top of another and yesterday the icing on the cake was the whatever number engagement that I saw via Facebook...make no mistake, I'm super happy for this girl--I've known her since our freshman year of college, but it's a bit discouraging for me to see someone my age engaged (she is just one of many) while I have nothing to show for it.

Then comes the whole, why hasn't my career kicked off the way I want it to? Why are some of my classmates already slaving in these terrible areas reporting and I'm in this big city just being a production assistant?! I phrased it like that to remind myself how stupid I sound right now.

Yesterday was rough.

However, before I went to sleep, I hit up a good friend of mine and we talked for a little bit and he gave me some real encouragement. After the talk I had to play some thoughts in my head, just a few reminders to myself: I am only 22, I do have my entire life ahead of me, and focusing on others will only further hinder me. So I'm doing exactly what my dear friend Lo told me to:

Just be you. Stop comparing yourself to others, stop bothering yourself about what others are thinking or doing; you're holding yourself back. You can do great things and achieve what you want--pursue it wholeheartedly and you won't have any regrets.

m.h.c.

15/365: I have turned into something like a creature of habit when I'm at work. Before the winter catalog opened at Dunkin Donuts, I would always get a sugar raised donut and an orange juice, but now that it's nippy enough for warm drinks to be necessary, I've been getting mint hot chocolate--HEAVENLY.

Anyway, aside from that, today was completely out of the ordinary for me. It was the first time I was working my new schedule from 4am to 12pm, a whole 15 minutes later than what I normally work but actually made a huge difference because it allots 15 extra minutes for sleep which is pretty much life changing.

Keeping in line with doing things differently, I did something completely out of the ordinary and called people today. I know, it's a simple thing, but it's not something I do very often and it felt so...weird, but in a great way. I had a funny conversation with an old girlfriend of mine and then later had a more necessary talk with an old guy friend who gave me some verses to look at and offered some encouragement after I had a quarter-life crisis which I'll probably address tomorrow because I feel like everyone can relate to the 20-something quarter-life crisis where we're forced to think about our middleness while our friends sometimes are getting way further ahead of us (you know, engagements, marriages, babies, that whole deal and let's not even talk about the whole...finding the job you actually want thing...but like I said, that's for tomorrow...not today.)

Back to this post though...I love my mint hot chocolates. They taste like happiness and I can't wait to have another one tomorrow morning while I muse over whatever is happening in the news at 5 am.

that's not racist, right?

If I had to give two words to describe this video, they would be hilarious and accurate…and I ain't mad about it. As a black girl who went to school with a lot of white people, in the south no less, comments like these were so common, it's more than a little ridiculous.

This video is the spawn of the "Sh*t Girls Say" video that surfaced less than a month ago which brought along "Sh*t Black Girls Say" "Sh*t Black Guys Say" "Sh*t Asians Say"--you get the picture. It's basically turned into a meme and while it's mostly comical, some of the stuff does raise a few eyebrows when you think about the actual context. Sure, we're not getting offended when we show it as a parody, but when it's actually happening?

Let me give you an example:

Somewhere in this video, the girl says something along the lines of, "The Jews were slaves, but you don't see us complaining about it." One day at my job, I found a piece somewhere on the Internet that spoke on how black people don't want an apology for slavery, they just want people to address the fact that it happened…there's no museum to commemorate the fact that this entire country was built on the backs of slaves…and before we get into any sort of disagreement about how bad slavery was for other races, let's consider the fact that if a white slave had a baby, that child was not considered the property of the slave's owner…but I digress…anyway, there hasn't been any sort of formal recognition of slavery in the United States. So we start having a discussion at the news desk and eventually someone else decides to pop their head in and she looks me dead in the eye and says, "You know, I get tired of hearing black people complain about this--I mean, no offense Ashley, but my ancestors are Irish, we went through the same thing and things are fine now."

Hold the entire eff up.


My anger at her wasn't as much about the fact that she compared her Irish ancestors to mine…but more because after that discussion started and I tried to explain the fact that she was wrong, the conversation morphed into one about rights and how things are still unequal for black people…and she kinda wanted to blame black people for the problems…and I mean, I guess she's kinda right considering that we can't change our skin color to look more like our Irish brethren. What crappy luck, right? I know.

All that being said, the video really brought the whole situation back to light for me because it's something that isn't really talked about. Sure, it's joked about among friends and every now and then a couple of my coworkers (who were completely shocked that she'd say something like that to begin with AND are white) jokingly say: "Oh c'mon Ashley--you don't know what a real struggle is--I mean, look at my Irish ancestors."

the problem with crushes

There is nothing more aggravating than a persistent crush. On one hand, it's nice--everyone likes to have butterflies and warm, yummy thoughts about the significant other we want, but on the other, when the crush endures for years at a time, you can't help but get kinda sick of it.

I haven't had too many crushes that last too long, but there were two in particular that always get me going and only one of them is actually worth anything--and I mean that in the most positive way possible because the other guy ended up being a complete turd in almost every sense of the word and I now question my taste in men because I liked him...but the other one, well...he's always been something of a sweetheart and as time has gone on, he has continued to be a complete doll.

I mean, let me lay out the facts for you on this guy: tall, handsome, perfect smile, amazing personality, great taste in music, and a strong faith in God. If I could paint a picture of the man of my dreams, he pretty much embodies the entire thing, but the problem with this scenario? Well...it's not that he has a girlfriend and it's not anything against him, but it's more my own fears.

For one, I'd hate to be disappointed by a lack of chemistry, he and I have been friends for awhile and I've watched him grow into such and amazing person, but at the same token, what if we just don't mesh well romantically? On top of that, I have my own mini insecurities about whether or not I'm "good enough" for him, and not from a Christian perspective, though that has crossed my mind on more than one occasion, but just, good enough at all.

Who knows.

All I understand is that when I see him, I can't help but smile a bit bigger and feel...special. Oh school girl crushes. One day, they'll pass and things will be much easier.

alone time

14/365: As awesome as people can be sometimes and as great as I like to think I am at handling situations that call for being around a lot of people, I actually really like being alone. Maybe it's because I've gotten so comfortable with being online rather than having real awkward encounters that can't be dismissed by clicking a little circular button with an x in the center. Ah, well...the joys of a virtual existence...shattered by the harsh reality of human contact.

I digress, today I took myself to the movies after a near 24 hour search for my car keys that somehow ended up inside a purse that I hadn't used in 3 days. I was confused as to how they ended up there too. The real question though: How does George Clooney manage to stay so sexy? Does the man never age? Actually, it's not even that he doesn't age, it's just that he wears his age so daggone well. 

Seriously. Who can say no to this man? Certainly not mere ol' mortal me. Not with my weak spot for a man who looks good in a suit and even better with a beard. He just is eternally attractive, and not just that, but he's so brutally honest about the fact that he's never gonna get married again--and I respect that. So it's a DOUBLE WHAMMY--I respect him AND I find him undeniably attractive. And let's not even address his humanitarian work. Lawdhamercy. 

After all that swooning, I'm sure you know what movie I saw: The Descendants. The dramedy was actually really good and did a great job of showing the grief of losing a loved one, the whole other life concept was good too. It's not something that I'm raving about and saying everyone must see, but it was definitely an enjoyable flick.

Anyway, going to the movies today proved to be a bit different than what I'm used to because the theatre I normally go to wasn't showing the movie, so I had the pleasure of visiting a different one...and let me say, it was worth the extra 8 minutes it took to get there. With matinee prices at $7.50, seats that go back, a lovely relaxed vibe, and a grown-up lounge area (as opposed to the video games that so often populate movie theatres to appease the children that crowd the area) I felt at home. Definitely somewhere I'll be going more often, especially considering the likelihood that I'll be able to see some of the more "artsy" "indie" flicks here. 

Hooray. 

So exclusive.

moment of silence

If there was one video that I wish I had made first, it would be this, Death of the Tragic, Scientifically Less Attractive, Unmarriable, Single Black Woman Narrative. 

Last year we were inundated with article upon article about black women and how we're never going to get married. Articles which begged the question, "is marriage for white people" among other things. To say that I was tired of it, quite the understatement, but I admit that it didn't stop me from reading the articles, rolling my eyes in exasperation. 

Now that we're in 2012, I can only hope that we will let this topic go and, as Ariana states in the video, focus on more pressing topics.

What else do you hope died with the end of 2011?

I can give you a couple things that I let die for myself personally. 

• LACK OF ORGANIZATION: If I had one thing that I really needed to kill for myself, it was that. Talk about an easy way to get things straight for myself in the new year--it's significantly easier when you have a clear list of what you need to do in front of you as well as a list of the resources available to you. 
• EXCESSIVE USE OF TWITTER: This one was hard for me to let go, but as I try to focus more on writing (at least more than 140 characters) and less on reality television and ratchetness, it's actually really easy to drop down on my Twitter usage…and I find that the things that I do choose to tweet are more pertinent to me.
• A FEW BAD HABITS: None of which necessarily need to be put into writing, but it suffices to say that what I've cut out of my life (people included) were all things that were poison to me, if not physically, emotionally and mentally.

reading is fundamental

13/365: If there is one thing that I wish I did more in the past few years, it's read. Though a few books have really caught my attention, when I compare how much I read in high school to how much I read now, there truly is no comparison. This became most apparent when someone asked me what my favorite books were or my favorite genres to read and it hit me that I hadn't read a book that I really liked recently.

So, what I plan to do is read more.

Plain and simple. Easy solution to a common problem. First up is a book that I grabbed from our household library based on the title alone: The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. The book, according to Guardian is pretty darn spiffy, in their words:

"[The] characters step from the past radiant with eccentricity and kindly humour. [The] writing, with it's delicately offbeat, self-deprecating stylishness, is exquisitely turned."

Who can say no to that right? I mean, come on, tell me that reading that with an English accent doesn't totally make you want to read it. So far it's been pretty pleasant, a simple read consisting of letters addressed between various people. Hopefully it maintains because I'd hate for my first read to be so discouraging.

time wasting

I never really fed too deeply into the reality TV craze until recently. From a practical perspective, I thought the shows were really stupid--and I still do--but when it comes down to bonding with people on Twitter, talking about the ridiculous things we see on TV is one of the easiest ways to "make friends" because we all hold the same opinions. For example, on Love & Hip-Hop, we all agree that Kimbella is the most ridiculous, idiotic, annoying person that you could be, Olivia has a super inflated ego for no good reason, Chrissy is kinda crazy, and Emily is…sad, really that's the only word you can use to describe that cast because that's precisely how they're typecast--but remember it's "reality."

I haven't really been keeping up with the show as of late, partially because my sleep schedule doesn't coincide with watching much TV, generally everything I watch is OnDemand and with so many options, I've decided that watching those shows isn't exactly something I want to participate in anymore.

So what's been filling my television time? With the cancellation of How to Make it in America (OMG WHY WOULD YOU CANCEL THAT SHOW?! Who cares that it's premise is…kinda unrealistic, it was giving hope to all those people in New York trying to live their dreams! You stop telling people to be practical!) I had to find new shows to look forward to. As a lover of crime shows, I found a cozy spot in my couch watching Rizzoli and Isles--why did no one tell me about this show sooner? I. Love. This. Show. Whether it's because I relate so strongly to Jane or the fact that I adore Lee Thompson Young (he's gorgeous and I've had a crush on him since The Famous Jett Jackson) the show is winning all around. The sub-plots make me happy and the writing is good enough for me, not to mention, the cast is attractive--did I say that? I didn't even mean Lee Thompson Young, I meant Angie Harmon--she's gorgeous--and Sasha Alexander.

Anyway, I don't know what other shows I'll be addicted to, but I'm quite pleased with this new addiction that happens to have a better plot, more attractive characters, and almost plays out more realistically then the reality television shows that VH1 can't seem to let go of…I mean, seriously--Baseball Wives? Come on now. Y'all can do better than that.

"sick of this"

12/365: It's a new day, it's a new month, it's a new YEAR! Whooo, I didn't really fully express my joy in my other post, so let me tell you that yesterday and today was one big *insert maniacal scream of happiness* for me. After last night's watch-night service at Kingdom Church, I'm really set to have the best year I could possibly have, something about being there really filled me up.

This morning, my sisters and I attended the service again for part two of the series, "I'm Sick of This" which is the idea of being sick of your current situation but knowing that in order to get better, you have to see the doctor. I'm not gonna sit here and preach to you, but know that it was a powerful message, definitely what I needed to kick off my year in the right mindset.

Another great way to kick off the year? Great music. If you're into gospel music you've heard of Tye Tribbett and if you haven't well--get into it. Amazing, awesome, anointed performer and so much fun to watch. He was a guest at the services today and he sang a couple of my favorite songs, so there was plenty of fun to be had.

All in all, great service, great music, and a great way to step into 2012--with a renewed mind and a desire to do better.

it's here, it's here

It's officially 2012! How awesome is that, eh? I'm quite excited about it. 2011 was a lot of fun, full of many changes and a lot of progress, but I have a strong feeling that 2012 will have even better things in store for me thanks to a great change in perspective.

I hope you had a great New Year's celebration, although mine did not go as I imagined it would, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I came into 2012 giggling with my older sister as we sat in a church anxiously looking at our cellphones because the time was so close--I know, I know, we should have been paying attention--but it was only 1 minute that we were in cahoots.

I brought in 2012 with 2 church services, a yummy late night dinner at David's Mai Lah Wah with great company, and a conversation with my step mother and sister that lasted until almost 6 am. Plenty of laughs, a few drinks, and an amazing time--that's how my NYE went down and while I know plenty of people who had more…eventful celebrations, my night ended up being really meaningful as I toasted to a great year with people that I love.

Hope your night was amazing as well!