1.

It feels like it has been so long since I've written on here…probably because it has been a while. I don't think I'll be posting the rest of my 365, I might post pictures occasionally, but I've found that I don't necessarily have time to edit, decide and then post them here with an explanation as to why this picture means something to me, though it was a fantastically lofty goal, so much for completing something that I start, lol--but I attempted.

I see this blog changing, for the better…less random frivolous posts, probably more posts of some sort of substance, something that I can look back on and have an actually idea of where the heck my head was at.

I'm adoring my job…absolutely loving every little amazing thing about it. Talking to random people, going out on stories, it has all been fantastic. I've only been there a week and I'm just gushing. Seriously. It's a bit ridiculous, that being said, I've been lonely. It comes and goes, nothing too hardcore--but the fact that I live by myself, cook dinner for myself most nights, while empowering to a degree it is also a very somber place for me to be.

I'm still working on making friends out here, lol. I mean, I have my coworkers and I have my former classmates at the other station, but I haven't really met people around my age and I'm at a loss as far as how to do so. That's the thing about moving around a lot but still being in school--you make "friends" easily because you're always around people in your age group.

I got my paperwork for my taxes, I'm actually excited about that. I can use this money to cover some of my expenses--how tragic is it that I'm thinking about expenses and not all the fantastic ways I can spend my money? You want to know how bad it is? Today at work, we each began bragging about all the ways that we save money by cutting off items. How we only will have one light on in the house at a time, how many things we unplug when we leave for work. My coworker managed to have her power bill as low as $40. I haven't even gotten my power bill yet…I'm actually terrified. I can't even lie.

What else is new? Love. Ahhh, love. How can I even? I already addressed this. I'm lonely. The end…but it's not like an I want a boyfriend lonely, it's more of an…I want someone to cuddle with lonely…and that lonely always ends up making me feel cheap because I'm like--yo, I just need to get over it and sleep alone.

I've gotten really good at being alone.
I knew it would take some time, but hey--it works.

the ending

I owe pictures for what...the past 2 or 3 days? I don't remember...this week has been a haze.

Today is my last day at work and it's really kinda pointless for me to be here. Honestly, the primary role that I have here for the first five hours of my shift is getting scripts out to the anchors, however the girl replacing me has been coming in during the mornings, so there's been nothing for me to do. This has been good for me as far as reading what's happening in Panama City as well as reading plenty of random blogs that I've been missing out on.

As far as packing goes, almost everything is done. My clothes are all packed up, but I still have to get all my shoes and books together. I'm really unmotivated to do much of anything. I really...just want to sleep. I don't want to drive to NC, I don't want to drive to FL...I'm feeling this sort of random defeat that doesn't really make sense...even as I type this out it doesn't make sense to me. I think I'm just scared of what is about to come, living on my own, being a reporter, for real...it's so much responsibility.

I'm just tired.

There was something else I wanted to say...I forgot it. Maybe it'll come back when I finally post the pics...hopefully today...maybe tomorrow. Ugh. I feel like death. Not really. I just feel like I need sleep...asapedly.

inspiration

27/365: My grandfather has always been my biggest inspiration for everything I do, but especially as a journalist. Yesterday, I got the confirmation that everything went through fine for all my testing and I can officially say that I am a reporter. I am too happy and I know that my family is incredibly excited for what all is to come from this.

Anyway, yesterday (1/16/11) I took this picture of my grandfather receiving the Drum Major for Justice award from Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc. for his work towards empowering young black men. The award, inspired by the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is a big accomplishment, but for my grandfather it meant more to talk about my grandmother and myself while accepting his award. Needless to say, he is very proud of what I'm doing and I hope to continually make him proud.

This is my last week living up north...it feels odd saying that, because I could eventually be back here, but this is definitely my last extended bit of time up here for a few years. I leave Saturday first for North Carolina and then on Sunday morning I drive down to Florida, check into the hotel, wait for my grandmother so that we can start the search for an apartment.

This is real life.
This is really happening...right now.

change is a'coming

20/365: Life comes at you fast.

And now I'm preparing to pack up everything that I own to move from my home with my grandparents in NJ to get an apartment in a city in Florida because I just landed my first reporting gig. Yes. Me. On TV. Being...*eyebrow raise*...serious.

I know. It's hard to imagine...but go with me on this.

Anyway, I'm turning in my two weeks notice on Wednesday and then it's all up from there.

To celebrate my new job, my grandparents and I went to the Sixers game against the Indiana Pacers. It was so much fun, we ate at the Capital Grille, I had filet mignon and garlic roasted mashed potatoes (so yummy) and then we watched them kick some tail.

The apprehension about what this job means for me didn't come until about 15 mins ago when I stopped to think about the fact that I'm packing up everything and leaving in less than a month. In less than a month...everything...everything changes.

finding him

"I think it's because deep down, I know that if I truly seek God, if I ever really found Him, my heart, my life, all of me would never be the same. And that's scary. Especially for someone like me who has an extreme aversion to change." -Sarah, "Supposing We Really Found Him"

One of the biggest goals that I have this year is to really strengthen my personal relationship with God. While it hasn't been a bad relationship, I know that I haven't been giving my all, which interestingly enough, has been a trend with almost all of my relationships. I've had ex-boyfriends tell me that they felt as if I hadn't been willing to give them all of me when we were together, that while they would continue to open up over time, I would slowly but surely begin to put up a facade until I eventually fade away and break up with them--this has happened several times, I've actually never had a real, successful relationship. Back to the subject though, I worry that this is the same way that I handle my relationship with God. It's all good until I start feeling like I really need to open up, it's hard to admit your shortcomings, and since he already knows anyway what's the point in discussing it? Yeah...that's not the best way to handle certain issues.

Moving forward, the quote from Sarah really struck me because I realized the real reason why I'm so reluctant to really press forward. The fact of the matter is I don't really hate my life right now and I'm not fully sure that I'm ready for the way my life would change after a real encounter. I love God, I do...but in order for this relationship to work, I have to be willing to lose a bit of myself  all of myself for a bigger purpose. It's the idea of it being all about HIM and I know that some of the things that I enjoy aren't really high on his list of "likes" and that's...difficult to accept.

But I've made the decision that I'm willing to do more than just try, I'm willing to go forward and actually work for what I want. An encounter, a touch and ultimately a real relationship--my first and most important one.

2012 wishlist

2011 had a lot of great things for me. I graduated from the University of Florida, got my first job working in television in a large market, crossed some things off my bucket list, started a blog...kinda stopped it...then started a new one, met a bunch of new people, interned with a great website, started doing Youtube videos, went to Toronto and played mas, and made plenty of investments that I'm sure will stick with me for the long haul as long as I continue to commit. Taking all that into account, I have high hopes for 2012.

To begin with, I have chosen a song to be my theme for the year--judge all you wish, it won't change how I feel about it. I present to you Ashley's Theme for 2012:

Why I Was Here by Beyoncé? The song is, to me, simply a testament to doing the best that you can do, leaving an impact, and quite literally, doing everything that you wanted to do...and that my friends, is exactly what 2012 is going to be about. Rather than giving myself resolutions (though I do have a list of goals and things I'd like to achieve) I'm just going to do my best every single day to achieve everything that I possibly can. For me this is travelling, landing the job of my dreams, getting out of credit card debt, living my life in a fashion that I want to.

I recently did the Meyers-Brigg's personality test and found that I was an ENFJ (Extravert iNtuitive Feeling Judging) and with that knowledge came a better understanding of myself. It's actually kind of dead-on as far as how I work mentally, emotionally--all that stuff, and now armed with that bit of knowledge, I go into 2012 with a better understanding of how I work.

So what does this mean? Maybe nothing to y'all--but to me, it's simply a promise to myself to be the best Ashley that I could be. So here's to achieving goals, living life to the fullest, and having another great year.

Happy New Year's.

starting over

You can't win 'em all, kid.

That's all that keeps repeating in my head, but I can't really call the situation I'm in a loss…long story short, I got the call that I was ranting about the other day and it didn't quite go as planned…but there is promise.

The basic facts: I didn't get the job in Panama City Beach…but it's for the same reason that I didn't get the other job that I interviewed for: someone with more experience was willing to do the same job for the same low price. It's what happens, you know?

The good part? They want to consider me for a job in the coming months…and THAT is promising for several reasons. Primarily that it can help me prepare for living on a budget, learning to cook, and all that other wonderfulness that I was speaking on yesterday. The real world isn't something I'm necessarily prepared for, but now I've gotten my foot in the door and while it seems to be almost closed in on me, it isn't…not just yet. So, now I have a plan of things that I'll be doing and preparing and luckily, I'll have even more time up here…the downside: winter is coming…and I haven't dealt with snow in 11 years.

Oh joy.

monday madness

So it's the day after Christmas and everyone knows that that means it's shopping time…however, given my financial state, I've opted out of these traditions, although I will be taking my little sister out for a day so she can blow all her money on cute items from our local H&M.

All that being said, I had a miniature mental breakdown this morning as it hit me that if I get this job in PCB, I will be on my own…and that is terrifying for several reasons. The biggest obviously being my complete and total inability to budget to save my life. However, after a reassuring conversation with a friend of mine, I'm a bit more confident in asserting my independence as well as looking forward to setting forth on my own.

Speaking of this PCB job, I cannot tell you of anything that I've dealt with in recent days that has been more frustrating than the back and forth craziness I've been dealing with. The man who will be my boss is a complete and total…I don't even know what word to put to him. I'm sure in person he's a lot more efficient, but to put it lightly he has now failed to live up to his word three times. THREE TIMES. He's apologized profusely and just pushed things off further and further and I've gotten to a point where I'm just tired of the whole process that it takes to actually GET a job.

Sigh.

Who knew that dealing with people could be so aggravating?
Oh wait. I did. From 3 years working as a resident assistant and several years (you know, my whole life) being let down by others and being told that it's my own fault for expecting people to live up to their word.

[/rant]

horoscopes don't lie

It is 6:20 am and where am I? Where I always am at the end of the week, work...been here since 3:45 am, I don't have a problem with that either--I thoroughly enjoy my job 2/3 of the time--but as I sit here waiting for more things to kick off in my life, I can't help but be anxious.

For those of you that don't know, I've been at my current job for almost 6 months and for the most part, I've been satisfied, but recently I've found myself bitten by a bug that craves some forward movement. To add to that, the only place to really go from this job is somewhere I don't actually want to be. So I do what any smart person does...I start to look elsewhere...and that looking may be paying off soon.

I've been in a slight run around situation with a television station in Panama City Beach, FL. Mostly, it's been a situation where they've been busy with Christmas and New Years' specials, so scheduling interviews has been more than a simple task. I've been paying a bit more attention to my horoscope (I know, I know...corny) but it's a bit interesting that what's being said lines up with what's happening.

On the 9th, it said that things would start falling in place for me when it came to work, I happened to apply to the job (among several others) that day and heard back from them that day. My career will alledgedly start to really come together and boost some forward movement right after Christmas. Ding ding--I've been going back and forth trying to make these interviews happen, specifically to set up an interview with the general manager of the station. The news director is in charge of this and, by no fault of his own, we haven't been able to get in touch. People have been out of town, he's been having to pick up quite a bit of slack--so we finally talk again and now we're scheduled to discuss my interview with the GM on Monday.

The day after Christmas.

I know, it could just be a coincidence, more likely than not, it's just how things happened to play out...all I'm saying is that things have been preeeeetty accurate.

sign of the times

So the world is supposed to end a year from today according to the Mayans and though I'm not into any of that mumbo jumbo crap, I will indulge in something that I've been meaning to do for the LONGEST time...as in, this has literally been on my mind and in my bucket list of things to do that never got accomplished and now is the PERFECT time to get it done. So, starting tomorrow, I'll be doing a 365 blog. That's right, every single day, I'll have at least one post with a picture...and if there are really 366 days left in the year (since next year is a leap year) I'll have one day to go back and re-live each picture and every moment--talk about perfect timing.

For once, my procrastination has paid off. 


And should the world not end on December 21, 2012, even better...I've put together a year in photos. I'm actually giddy with excitement...it's almost too much for me to deal with...so much so, that I had to write a second entry for the day.

Yeah--that means I'm serious, b.

On top of that, it means I get to break in my Canon Rebel even more...holy crap, the good things just keep on rolling in, I swear. So prepare for pictures and words and feelings and all sorts of stuff to be piling in very soon.  I'm ecstatic.

SN: I have a date tonight. That's the other reason for this post because for once, I'm dealing with someone who has an inkling of potential and I might not even get to really enjoy it all the way because I might be getting a new job...but I probably won't talk about that really until sometime next week when I have some more information. All I know is that if it all works out, I'll be moving from the northeast back into the south and I'll have a beach right in my backyard. No complaints here.

blank slate

I love fresh starts...there's something about starting over that has a strength to it. I was feeling a bit claustrophobic on my old blog--and while it's still active, I realize that it's my safe place and after having it for a few months, I've realized that it's not where I want to be because it isn't an accurate depiction of me. I can't be as personal as I'd like because honestly, I'd love to be able to look back at these entries and say, yes, this is what I was feeling, I can't say that fully with my site.

It's not that there are too many eyes, it's just the eyes that are looking aren't the ones that I want on my stuff. Strangely enough, linking things to my Facebook wasn't my smartest choice--who knew? Well, I did--but I didn't realize there'd be so much that I would want to talk about but have to keep to myself, honestly it's difficult juggling an explicit existence when some know your more modest demeanor. Actually, it's tiring.

I'm at a crossroads of sorts as I delve into 2012 preparing to take more care of myself financially, physically, and spiritually, but I'm far from where I want to be in all those categories...I don't even want to think about the other things that plague my psyche such as my life romantically--that in and of itself is just dizzying.

All that being said, it's a fresh start. Hallelujah, holla back.