1.

It feels like it has been so long since I've written on here…probably because it has been a while. I don't think I'll be posting the rest of my 365, I might post pictures occasionally, but I've found that I don't necessarily have time to edit, decide and then post them here with an explanation as to why this picture means something to me, though it was a fantastically lofty goal, so much for completing something that I start, lol--but I attempted.

I see this blog changing, for the better…less random frivolous posts, probably more posts of some sort of substance, something that I can look back on and have an actually idea of where the heck my head was at.

I'm adoring my job…absolutely loving every little amazing thing about it. Talking to random people, going out on stories, it has all been fantastic. I've only been there a week and I'm just gushing. Seriously. It's a bit ridiculous, that being said, I've been lonely. It comes and goes, nothing too hardcore--but the fact that I live by myself, cook dinner for myself most nights, while empowering to a degree it is also a very somber place for me to be.

I'm still working on making friends out here, lol. I mean, I have my coworkers and I have my former classmates at the other station, but I haven't really met people around my age and I'm at a loss as far as how to do so. That's the thing about moving around a lot but still being in school--you make "friends" easily because you're always around people in your age group.

I got my paperwork for my taxes, I'm actually excited about that. I can use this money to cover some of my expenses--how tragic is it that I'm thinking about expenses and not all the fantastic ways I can spend my money? You want to know how bad it is? Today at work, we each began bragging about all the ways that we save money by cutting off items. How we only will have one light on in the house at a time, how many things we unplug when we leave for work. My coworker managed to have her power bill as low as $40. I haven't even gotten my power bill yet…I'm actually terrified. I can't even lie.

What else is new? Love. Ahhh, love. How can I even? I already addressed this. I'm lonely. The end…but it's not like an I want a boyfriend lonely, it's more of an…I want someone to cuddle with lonely…and that lonely always ends up making me feel cheap because I'm like--yo, I just need to get over it and sleep alone.

I've gotten really good at being alone.
I knew it would take some time, but hey--it works.

adult life

Let's begin by saying "Oh my God, I have so much catching up to do on my Google Reader..." it's kinda ridiculous. Actually...it's more than kinda ridiculous, it's more like around 200 posts that I need to read.

(._. )

How do things get like this? Anyway, it's been a few days since I've posted because I've been on the road from New Jersey to Florida, a lot of packing, a lot of craziness...but, I just wanted to leave a quick update on what's been happening, namely being in Panama City Beach and being super close to being in an apartment! Depending on if I can get a security system installed, that will determine when I move in. I'm super excited. That's all I can say about that.

I'll be writing more soon, but I really should go to sleep.

By the way, it's so weird being in a different time zone. I want to be back on eastern standard time...but alas...that's all.

best big sister ever

Oh yes...I have the best big sister you could possibly have in the world. Why do I say that? Because it's true. One of the most true statements I could ever make. My big sister also works in television, she's at FOX in NY working as an overnight coordinator...she sent me an email yesterday and here's a bit of it that I'd like to remember forever because it reminds me why I'm so blessed to have the family that I do:

First things first, you won't "screw" this up, so get that notion out of your head. You'll mess up, you'll forget things, you'll disagree with management, you'll be youtubeable, but you'll be wonderful. That's already in you! Messing up makes you human and you'll learn quickly from your mistakes. It's not brain surgery and it won't be the end of the world if you make a few mistakes.

Okay, for the new job, it sounds like you're going to be a one-man band, which is a big undertaking. It's a boobie trap for a stressful environment. Since, you know that, you've already fought half the battle, now overcome it. Focus on the bigger picture, don't sweat the small stuff, smile, read the bible daily, condition your mind and condition your heart. There will probably be days when you want to slap the spit out of the mayor or a city councilmember, but always remember to take everything in stride. It's part of the battle of being a journalist and you signed up for it. Will you love it everyday? No. Will everyday be rewarding? No. But, as long as you're in the trenches giving people that voice they don't have, then you've done your job, well that day. It's going to be tough, but you're a fighter and you're officially in the trenches. Embrace those moments.

I truly believe that no one will ever be a better big sister than her. Nope. Not ever.

the ending

I owe pictures for what...the past 2 or 3 days? I don't remember...this week has been a haze.

Today is my last day at work and it's really kinda pointless for me to be here. Honestly, the primary role that I have here for the first five hours of my shift is getting scripts out to the anchors, however the girl replacing me has been coming in during the mornings, so there's been nothing for me to do. This has been good for me as far as reading what's happening in Panama City as well as reading plenty of random blogs that I've been missing out on.

As far as packing goes, almost everything is done. My clothes are all packed up, but I still have to get all my shoes and books together. I'm really unmotivated to do much of anything. I really...just want to sleep. I don't want to drive to NC, I don't want to drive to FL...I'm feeling this sort of random defeat that doesn't really make sense...even as I type this out it doesn't make sense to me. I think I'm just scared of what is about to come, living on my own, being a reporter, for real...it's so much responsibility.

I'm just tired.

There was something else I wanted to say...I forgot it. Maybe it'll come back when I finally post the pics...hopefully today...maybe tomorrow. Ugh. I feel like death. Not really. I just feel like I need sleep...asapedly.

inspiration

27/365: My grandfather has always been my biggest inspiration for everything I do, but especially as a journalist. Yesterday, I got the confirmation that everything went through fine for all my testing and I can officially say that I am a reporter. I am too happy and I know that my family is incredibly excited for what all is to come from this.

Anyway, yesterday (1/16/11) I took this picture of my grandfather receiving the Drum Major for Justice award from Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc. for his work towards empowering young black men. The award, inspired by the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is a big accomplishment, but for my grandfather it meant more to talk about my grandmother and myself while accepting his award. Needless to say, he is very proud of what I'm doing and I hope to continually make him proud.

This is my last week living up north...it feels odd saying that, because I could eventually be back here, but this is definitely my last extended bit of time up here for a few years. I leave Saturday first for North Carolina and then on Sunday morning I drive down to Florida, check into the hotel, wait for my grandmother so that we can start the search for an apartment.

This is real life.
This is really happening...right now.

mass confusion

I. Move. This. Week. As in, I need to have all my stuff packed to drive from NJ to NC and then to FL before Saturday when I dip out in the morning. On a sidenote: I still don't know if I technically have this job because I still haven't heard back about the drug test and about my letter of agreement. Oh. Great. I believe that I'm good to go. I'm only...slightly freaking out because I don't really know how these things work and it's not like I go to a happier place on a regular basis (omg that sounds terrible to me as I type it out...you can tell I don't do this often!) and if I were to not get this job...because of this...I'd be mad as all hell...but you win some, you lose some...this would be a major loss though. Make no mistake. 

24/365: This is The Producer. We had our last date...up here at least yesterday. We spent all night at Barnes and Nobles--y'all might think it's corny, however, I had a great time. We had a long talk...and I had spinach and artichoke quiche--I'm sorry, I love food...it's amazing. 

I decided to come clean yesterday about how I felt emotionally, ie. the lack of *ahem* sexual chemistry between the two of us...and wouldn't you know that by the end of the night I wanted to jump his bones. 

Yeah. Didn't make sense to me either.

BUT, regardless, I didn't. We had a long talk about my past and we just spent a lot of time learning about each other. Or rather, he learned a lot about me in a very short time. So much so that he said that he's going to base a movie character off me and when I asked who he'd have play me he said Zoe Kravitz...I consider that a definite compliment.

Funny moment: After telling him about my kinda sorta jacked up past, he said, "Don't take this the wrong way...I don't mean to come off as callous...but I really wish I had recorded that on camera because I'm going to base a movie on a character about you." I felt like that was the ultimate compliment, lol.

25/365: Okay...finally back on track. So yesterday I went shopping with my grandmother for clothes and today I went shopping for make up. LET ME TELL YOU--had I known before what I know now...my professional wardrobe would be massive. 

Can I just brag for a second? (Who gon' stop me huh?) I got 1 dress by Tahiri, 3 by Calvin Klein, a suit from Calvin Klein and another one from Nine West AND a top from Nine West. How much should it have been? $1,044. 

How much did we spend? $278.

TWO HUNDRED SEVENTY EIGHT. This. Is. Major. And everything is freaking beautiful. EVERYTHING.

"good enough" isn't good enough

"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best." -Oscar Wilde

Love sucks.
Actually, it's not that love sucks, it's that feelings are fickle and I still haven't quite learned how to decipher my own. It's like I'm programmed to hurt people by trying to not hurt them.

Let me explain.

My last few boyfriends, read as: almost all of my ex boyfriends, I didn't want to date...but I didn't really have the heart to say that. I simply really enjoyed their company. I wanted to be around them more than other people and I could be kinda possessive...and I really liked kissing. That's all there was to it. I was a shameless flirt and while I'm not as shameless anymore...well...I'm still a flirt.

When it's all said and done, no matter how much I may say that I would love to find love, I know that I will never actually be satisfied with whatever is given to me because I'm a pretty ungrateful person and I have yet to find someone who can be close to me that doesn't lose my interest within a couple months...and what's worse, the ones that do capture my attention? The ones that don't want me.

But of course. That's how the universe works, you know?

The beauty of the situation is this...I don't really have time for a relationship since I'm in a huge transition...probably one of the biggest of my life since it's kinda starting my entire career...but seeing friends getting engaged, getting married, and having kids--all different friends and all in different stages of life but all between the ages of 20 and 23--has me feeling a bit lonely.

Oh well. I have my career to keep me warm at night.
I just had to type that out to see how lonely it made me feel.
Pretty dang lonely.

catch up

So what's really good? Well...everything...for now at least, I'll know just how good everything is in the next couple days...but I'll save that for an all text post. Onto the pictures for today and yesterday since I failed to do any writing.

22/365: Yes...that is what you think it is (ie. urine) because with every great opportunity there are random things you have to do and when you're starting to work in a small area, the likelihood of you having to do pre-employment drug screening is kinda...likely. 

My older sister balked at the whole idea, "if the people up here had to do drug testing...man we wouldn't have any anchors or reporters." Well..at least I know what's happening up in NYC.

So that's what my life is right now, waiting for the results from this and waiting for my driving record to be scanned to see if I qualify for the job that I was offered. To my knowledge I should be fine...but if I were to not get this job? I'd....I don't know what I would do.

And can I say that my urine looks healthy...to me...like as far as umm...color? Nevermind. I don't know why I'm even discussing this...lol.

23/365: This was the rose from my Christmas gift from The Producer...I decided I wanted to dry it out so I could keep it long past when things ended with him. 

I know, I know, I'm a terrible person.

But realistically, things weren't going to work out no matter how much of an amazing guy he was...and why is that? Because sexual attraction matters...and I have none with him. No matter how much I may want to think about what a great guy he is and how he's got so much going for him, I know me...and I know that I don't really like him...I like how he makes me feel. 

And that's just not enough.

finding him

"I think it's because deep down, I know that if I truly seek God, if I ever really found Him, my heart, my life, all of me would never be the same. And that's scary. Especially for someone like me who has an extreme aversion to change." -Sarah, "Supposing We Really Found Him"

One of the biggest goals that I have this year is to really strengthen my personal relationship with God. While it hasn't been a bad relationship, I know that I haven't been giving my all, which interestingly enough, has been a trend with almost all of my relationships. I've had ex-boyfriends tell me that they felt as if I hadn't been willing to give them all of me when we were together, that while they would continue to open up over time, I would slowly but surely begin to put up a facade until I eventually fade away and break up with them--this has happened several times, I've actually never had a real, successful relationship. Back to the subject though, I worry that this is the same way that I handle my relationship with God. It's all good until I start feeling like I really need to open up, it's hard to admit your shortcomings, and since he already knows anyway what's the point in discussing it? Yeah...that's not the best way to handle certain issues.

Moving forward, the quote from Sarah really struck me because I realized the real reason why I'm so reluctant to really press forward. The fact of the matter is I don't really hate my life right now and I'm not fully sure that I'm ready for the way my life would change after a real encounter. I love God, I do...but in order for this relationship to work, I have to be willing to lose a bit of myself  all of myself for a bigger purpose. It's the idea of it being all about HIM and I know that some of the things that I enjoy aren't really high on his list of "likes" and that's...difficult to accept.

But I've made the decision that I'm willing to do more than just try, I'm willing to go forward and actually work for what I want. An encounter, a touch and ultimately a real relationship--my first and most important one.

the morning after

So, yesterday I kinda touched on the whole quarter-life crisis thing that 20-somethings go through, the whole concept of middleness and feelings of inadequacy that can come when you've graduated from college, but you haven't quite gotten to the next stage that you envisioned coming next. It's actually a pretty piss poor time of life if you focus on the negatives rather than looking at it as a time for some real self discovery, soul searching...but you know, with the way society works, it's no surprise that rather than enjoying our time out of school and learning what we really want to do with our lives, we're flipping out about why we haven't landed the dream job, why we aren't in a serious enough relationship--or if we are in a serious relationship, why we aren't engaged yet--it's just one thing on top of another and yesterday the icing on the cake was the whatever number engagement that I saw via Facebook...make no mistake, I'm super happy for this girl--I've known her since our freshman year of college, but it's a bit discouraging for me to see someone my age engaged (she is just one of many) while I have nothing to show for it.

Then comes the whole, why hasn't my career kicked off the way I want it to? Why are some of my classmates already slaving in these terrible areas reporting and I'm in this big city just being a production assistant?! I phrased it like that to remind myself how stupid I sound right now.

Yesterday was rough.

However, before I went to sleep, I hit up a good friend of mine and we talked for a little bit and he gave me some real encouragement. After the talk I had to play some thoughts in my head, just a few reminders to myself: I am only 22, I do have my entire life ahead of me, and focusing on others will only further hinder me. So I'm doing exactly what my dear friend Lo told me to:

Just be you. Stop comparing yourself to others, stop bothering yourself about what others are thinking or doing; you're holding yourself back. You can do great things and achieve what you want--pursue it wholeheartedly and you won't have any regrets.

m.h.c.

15/365: I have turned into something like a creature of habit when I'm at work. Before the winter catalog opened at Dunkin Donuts, I would always get a sugar raised donut and an orange juice, but now that it's nippy enough for warm drinks to be necessary, I've been getting mint hot chocolate--HEAVENLY.

Anyway, aside from that, today was completely out of the ordinary for me. It was the first time I was working my new schedule from 4am to 12pm, a whole 15 minutes later than what I normally work but actually made a huge difference because it allots 15 extra minutes for sleep which is pretty much life changing.

Keeping in line with doing things differently, I did something completely out of the ordinary and called people today. I know, it's a simple thing, but it's not something I do very often and it felt so...weird, but in a great way. I had a funny conversation with an old girlfriend of mine and then later had a more necessary talk with an old guy friend who gave me some verses to look at and offered some encouragement after I had a quarter-life crisis which I'll probably address tomorrow because I feel like everyone can relate to the 20-something quarter-life crisis where we're forced to think about our middleness while our friends sometimes are getting way further ahead of us (you know, engagements, marriages, babies, that whole deal and let's not even talk about the whole...finding the job you actually want thing...but like I said, that's for tomorrow...not today.)

Back to this post though...I love my mint hot chocolates. They taste like happiness and I can't wait to have another one tomorrow morning while I muse over whatever is happening in the news at 5 am.