look back

The importance in knowing our history is pivotal to our moving forward...how can you expect to get anything accomplished while you move towards the future when you have no idea how things went down in the past?


These words are ringing in my head. I'll admit as we come up on MLK weekend, I'm grateful for the day of relaxation (which I would have had off anyway since I don't work Mondays) but it always tweaks me a bit that I don't know as much as I should about my own history. Years ago my grandfather got me a book titled Walking with the Wind, a memoir of the civil rights movement.

I never read it.

I tried to...I opened it up, started to digest what was being given and then I stopped. I'm more than a little disappointed in myself if I have to be honest because this is something incredibly important to my life because as much as people play the race card and talk about how terrible slavery was, many of us don't know the actual ramifications of what our ancestors went through. I say our ancestors because I identify more with them than I do with my actual African roots. I can't trace my family back to what tribe we were from, I can't even trace my own family back too many generations because information isn't around...but what I do know is that my grandfather, the man whose house I live in currently lived through segregation, dealt with the real issues, and for me to be uninformed is a disgrace.

Before this year is over, that book will be read...and I know there are so many months before this year is over, but I know that if I give myself a specific date, it won't happen...I'll get bogged down by the details of this decision--but this is something that I need in my life and I can't wait to learn more about the ancestors that made the most difference to my life.

the morning after

So, yesterday I kinda touched on the whole quarter-life crisis thing that 20-somethings go through, the whole concept of middleness and feelings of inadequacy that can come when you've graduated from college, but you haven't quite gotten to the next stage that you envisioned coming next. It's actually a pretty piss poor time of life if you focus on the negatives rather than looking at it as a time for some real self discovery, soul searching...but you know, with the way society works, it's no surprise that rather than enjoying our time out of school and learning what we really want to do with our lives, we're flipping out about why we haven't landed the dream job, why we aren't in a serious enough relationship--or if we are in a serious relationship, why we aren't engaged yet--it's just one thing on top of another and yesterday the icing on the cake was the whatever number engagement that I saw via Facebook...make no mistake, I'm super happy for this girl--I've known her since our freshman year of college, but it's a bit discouraging for me to see someone my age engaged (she is just one of many) while I have nothing to show for it.

Then comes the whole, why hasn't my career kicked off the way I want it to? Why are some of my classmates already slaving in these terrible areas reporting and I'm in this big city just being a production assistant?! I phrased it like that to remind myself how stupid I sound right now.

Yesterday was rough.

However, before I went to sleep, I hit up a good friend of mine and we talked for a little bit and he gave me some real encouragement. After the talk I had to play some thoughts in my head, just a few reminders to myself: I am only 22, I do have my entire life ahead of me, and focusing on others will only further hinder me. So I'm doing exactly what my dear friend Lo told me to:

Just be you. Stop comparing yourself to others, stop bothering yourself about what others are thinking or doing; you're holding yourself back. You can do great things and achieve what you want--pursue it wholeheartedly and you won't have any regrets.

reading is fundamental

13/365: If there is one thing that I wish I did more in the past few years, it's read. Though a few books have really caught my attention, when I compare how much I read in high school to how much I read now, there truly is no comparison. This became most apparent when someone asked me what my favorite books were or my favorite genres to read and it hit me that I hadn't read a book that I really liked recently.

So, what I plan to do is read more.

Plain and simple. Easy solution to a common problem. First up is a book that I grabbed from our household library based on the title alone: The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. The book, according to Guardian is pretty darn spiffy, in their words:

"[The] characters step from the past radiant with eccentricity and kindly humour. [The] writing, with it's delicately offbeat, self-deprecating stylishness, is exquisitely turned."

Who can say no to that right? I mean, come on, tell me that reading that with an English accent doesn't totally make you want to read it. So far it's been pretty pleasant, a simple read consisting of letters addressed between various people. Hopefully it maintains because I'd hate for my first read to be so discouraging.

2012 wishlist

2011 had a lot of great things for me. I graduated from the University of Florida, got my first job working in television in a large market, crossed some things off my bucket list, started a blog...kinda stopped it...then started a new one, met a bunch of new people, interned with a great website, started doing Youtube videos, went to Toronto and played mas, and made plenty of investments that I'm sure will stick with me for the long haul as long as I continue to commit. Taking all that into account, I have high hopes for 2012.

To begin with, I have chosen a song to be my theme for the year--judge all you wish, it won't change how I feel about it. I present to you Ashley's Theme for 2012:

Why I Was Here by Beyoncé? The song is, to me, simply a testament to doing the best that you can do, leaving an impact, and quite literally, doing everything that you wanted to do...and that my friends, is exactly what 2012 is going to be about. Rather than giving myself resolutions (though I do have a list of goals and things I'd like to achieve) I'm just going to do my best every single day to achieve everything that I possibly can. For me this is travelling, landing the job of my dreams, getting out of credit card debt, living my life in a fashion that I want to.

I recently did the Meyers-Brigg's personality test and found that I was an ENFJ (Extravert iNtuitive Feeling Judging) and with that knowledge came a better understanding of myself. It's actually kind of dead-on as far as how I work mentally, emotionally--all that stuff, and now armed with that bit of knowledge, I go into 2012 with a better understanding of how I work.

So what does this mean? Maybe nothing to y'all--but to me, it's simply a promise to myself to be the best Ashley that I could be. So here's to achieving goals, living life to the fullest, and having another great year.

Happy New Year's.

square one

10/365: This morning, Lauren Sivan tweeted something along the lines of how questioning her career choices as she woke up 10 mins before her alarm went off at 1:15 am…hmmm…this sounds a lot like something I wrote the other day. Anyway, I hit her with a tweet and she actually ended up favoriting (that's totally not a verb, I know--but it fits) it…the gist of it was simply me agreeing and saying that we're gluttons for punishment for working in morning news.

Anyway, that has little do with this picture and yet has everything to do with this picture. Over the course of the past 36 hours, I've applied to 12 different reporting jobs across the country. We're talking Colorado, California, Montana, Indiana, South Carolina, Ohio, New York--if you're in television market 101 and higher (well, technically lower…), I'm looking in your direction for a position.

Today's picture is just a snapshot of what my life will be consisting of for the next few months. It's kinda crazy when I really think about it, the fact that I'm back at square one for the job search, but it is what it is. When you want something you go for it…plus, I'm not as broke as I was before cha-ching, today is pay day and also my last work day of the year…I'm looking forward to the day when I'm not broke period (honestly, I work in TV, so that day will never really come) but until it does, I'm doing my best with what I got.

P.S. I picked out my anthem for 2012…it's a song from this year, a ballad, that is my inspiration and my go to pick me up make me want to change the world song. I'm so happy for everything that's going to be happening in my life. It's going to be amazing. :)

guilty pleasures

9/365: In a past life, I like to believe that I was a food photographer…it's like I see food, I want my camera, it just happens. I have so many pictures from lunch with my mom today that it's kinda ridiculous.

Anyway…today my mother and I went to Seasons 52 for a lunch date. Let me just say, that the relationship I have with my mother is near and dear to my heart. We haven't always seen eye to eye, but at this point in life, we've determined it's a lot easier to just accept the things we have in common rather than harp on the things we disagree upon, for example, rather than argue about my choice of men, we discuss our shared guilty pleasure of Rihanna's Talk that Talk.

This was my mother's first time at this particular spot which happens to be one of my favorite places to eat in the area, so I made sure to ensure she had a good time. After a drink, we had a long talk about jobs, boys, family stuff, and plenty more but what really stuck out to me in our conversation was an idea my mom had about why things hadn't been working out with me landing a job.

My family is pretty spiritual, we have a deep faith in who God is, what He can do, and what He will do--plain and simple. We aren't perfect, we don't claim to be, but that's what we believe in, and my mother threw something at me that made sense. Generally speaking, you hear the phrase, God won't put more on me than I can bear, and my mom said, what if I'm blocking my blessing by not making the preparations I need to in order to survive. Let's be clear, regardless of whether you rock with the Big Man upstairs or not, my mom had a point. If I were to get a job anywhere right now, I'd be in a piss poor position.

I have no money saved, very little in my checking right now, and if I were to get a job tomorrow, there would be no money to put down on a deposit, no money to move all my stuff, nor would there be a way for me to eat. When you say that that situation would be too much for little ol' me to bear--you wouldn't be too far from the truth.

In lieu of this whole conversation, we came to the conclusion that in the grand scheme of things, if I wanted something to happen for my life, I really needed to push for it, fight for it, but even more important, I needed to prepare for it.

P.S. If everything goes well this weekend, I might have an aweeeesome story for y'all next week about my participation in something really big! I'm actually more than a little bit excited. :)

starting over

You can't win 'em all, kid.

That's all that keeps repeating in my head, but I can't really call the situation I'm in a loss…long story short, I got the call that I was ranting about the other day and it didn't quite go as planned…but there is promise.

The basic facts: I didn't get the job in Panama City Beach…but it's for the same reason that I didn't get the other job that I interviewed for: someone with more experience was willing to do the same job for the same low price. It's what happens, you know?

The good part? They want to consider me for a job in the coming months…and THAT is promising for several reasons. Primarily that it can help me prepare for living on a budget, learning to cook, and all that other wonderfulness that I was speaking on yesterday. The real world isn't something I'm necessarily prepared for, but now I've gotten my foot in the door and while it seems to be almost closed in on me, it isn't…not just yet. So, now I have a plan of things that I'll be doing and preparing and luckily, I'll have even more time up here…the downside: winter is coming…and I haven't dealt with snow in 11 years.

Oh joy.

being broke on christmas

3/365: Nothing sucks more than being broke around Christmas.

I checked my bank account this morning to see what I could afford to get for my parents, grandparents, and little sister--because those are the only people I can even think of buying something for--and I was hit hard by the balance.

Literally, $0. In checking and savings. I thought maybe there was a mistake, but no--everything documented told me the same thing. I only had the $18 in cash to my name to spend on gifts. All things being considered, I knew that things would be tight this year, but had no idea how tight. I don't get paid until next Friday, I still have to get to work and currently only have a 1/4 tank of gas...and let's not talk about tolls or paying for parking.

Thankfully it's Christmas, so the flip side of this depressing situation is that I will probably get some sort of money. Hell, I'd be happy with $30 to my name because then at least I could use what's left of that $18 (I spent around $5 on cards) for gas and then use the $30 for tolls and parking.

With that being said, my resolutions for the new year obviously have something to do with saving money, because my current situation is not something I ever want to deal with again. Though I'm sure my family will appreciate the love that will be going into these cards, I wish I could do what I normally would which is buy them something nice...or at least make something.

Next year, a lot of things will be changing. Am I ready? Of course not. But I'm starting to plan now so that I can act accordingly.