1.

It feels like it has been so long since I've written on here…probably because it has been a while. I don't think I'll be posting the rest of my 365, I might post pictures occasionally, but I've found that I don't necessarily have time to edit, decide and then post them here with an explanation as to why this picture means something to me, though it was a fantastically lofty goal, so much for completing something that I start, lol--but I attempted.

I see this blog changing, for the better…less random frivolous posts, probably more posts of some sort of substance, something that I can look back on and have an actually idea of where the heck my head was at.

I'm adoring my job…absolutely loving every little amazing thing about it. Talking to random people, going out on stories, it has all been fantastic. I've only been there a week and I'm just gushing. Seriously. It's a bit ridiculous, that being said, I've been lonely. It comes and goes, nothing too hardcore--but the fact that I live by myself, cook dinner for myself most nights, while empowering to a degree it is also a very somber place for me to be.

I'm still working on making friends out here, lol. I mean, I have my coworkers and I have my former classmates at the other station, but I haven't really met people around my age and I'm at a loss as far as how to do so. That's the thing about moving around a lot but still being in school--you make "friends" easily because you're always around people in your age group.

I got my paperwork for my taxes, I'm actually excited about that. I can use this money to cover some of my expenses--how tragic is it that I'm thinking about expenses and not all the fantastic ways I can spend my money? You want to know how bad it is? Today at work, we each began bragging about all the ways that we save money by cutting off items. How we only will have one light on in the house at a time, how many things we unplug when we leave for work. My coworker managed to have her power bill as low as $40. I haven't even gotten my power bill yet…I'm actually terrified. I can't even lie.

What else is new? Love. Ahhh, love. How can I even? I already addressed this. I'm lonely. The end…but it's not like an I want a boyfriend lonely, it's more of an…I want someone to cuddle with lonely…and that lonely always ends up making me feel cheap because I'm like--yo, I just need to get over it and sleep alone.

I've gotten really good at being alone.
I knew it would take some time, but hey--it works.

adult life

Let's begin by saying "Oh my God, I have so much catching up to do on my Google Reader..." it's kinda ridiculous. Actually...it's more than kinda ridiculous, it's more like around 200 posts that I need to read.

(._. )

How do things get like this? Anyway, it's been a few days since I've posted because I've been on the road from New Jersey to Florida, a lot of packing, a lot of craziness...but, I just wanted to leave a quick update on what's been happening, namely being in Panama City Beach and being super close to being in an apartment! Depending on if I can get a security system installed, that will determine when I move in. I'm super excited. That's all I can say about that.

I'll be writing more soon, but I really should go to sleep.

By the way, it's so weird being in a different time zone. I want to be back on eastern standard time...but alas...that's all.

inspiration

27/365: My grandfather has always been my biggest inspiration for everything I do, but especially as a journalist. Yesterday, I got the confirmation that everything went through fine for all my testing and I can officially say that I am a reporter. I am too happy and I know that my family is incredibly excited for what all is to come from this.

Anyway, yesterday (1/16/11) I took this picture of my grandfather receiving the Drum Major for Justice award from Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc. for his work towards empowering young black men. The award, inspired by the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is a big accomplishment, but for my grandfather it meant more to talk about my grandmother and myself while accepting his award. Needless to say, he is very proud of what I'm doing and I hope to continually make him proud.

This is my last week living up north...it feels odd saying that, because I could eventually be back here, but this is definitely my last extended bit of time up here for a few years. I leave Saturday first for North Carolina and then on Sunday morning I drive down to Florida, check into the hotel, wait for my grandmother so that we can start the search for an apartment.

This is real life.
This is really happening...right now.

mass confusion

I. Move. This. Week. As in, I need to have all my stuff packed to drive from NJ to NC and then to FL before Saturday when I dip out in the morning. On a sidenote: I still don't know if I technically have this job because I still haven't heard back about the drug test and about my letter of agreement. Oh. Great. I believe that I'm good to go. I'm only...slightly freaking out because I don't really know how these things work and it's not like I go to a happier place on a regular basis (omg that sounds terrible to me as I type it out...you can tell I don't do this often!) and if I were to not get this job...because of this...I'd be mad as all hell...but you win some, you lose some...this would be a major loss though. Make no mistake. 

24/365: This is The Producer. We had our last date...up here at least yesterday. We spent all night at Barnes and Nobles--y'all might think it's corny, however, I had a great time. We had a long talk...and I had spinach and artichoke quiche--I'm sorry, I love food...it's amazing. 

I decided to come clean yesterday about how I felt emotionally, ie. the lack of *ahem* sexual chemistry between the two of us...and wouldn't you know that by the end of the night I wanted to jump his bones. 

Yeah. Didn't make sense to me either.

BUT, regardless, I didn't. We had a long talk about my past and we just spent a lot of time learning about each other. Or rather, he learned a lot about me in a very short time. So much so that he said that he's going to base a movie character off me and when I asked who he'd have play me he said Zoe Kravitz...I consider that a definite compliment.

Funny moment: After telling him about my kinda sorta jacked up past, he said, "Don't take this the wrong way...I don't mean to come off as callous...but I really wish I had recorded that on camera because I'm going to base a movie on a character about you." I felt like that was the ultimate compliment, lol.

25/365: Okay...finally back on track. So yesterday I went shopping with my grandmother for clothes and today I went shopping for make up. LET ME TELL YOU--had I known before what I know now...my professional wardrobe would be massive. 

Can I just brag for a second? (Who gon' stop me huh?) I got 1 dress by Tahiri, 3 by Calvin Klein, a suit from Calvin Klein and another one from Nine West AND a top from Nine West. How much should it have been? $1,044. 

How much did we spend? $278.

TWO HUNDRED SEVENTY EIGHT. This. Is. Major. And everything is freaking beautiful. EVERYTHING.

"good enough" isn't good enough

"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best." -Oscar Wilde

Love sucks.
Actually, it's not that love sucks, it's that feelings are fickle and I still haven't quite learned how to decipher my own. It's like I'm programmed to hurt people by trying to not hurt them.

Let me explain.

My last few boyfriends, read as: almost all of my ex boyfriends, I didn't want to date...but I didn't really have the heart to say that. I simply really enjoyed their company. I wanted to be around them more than other people and I could be kinda possessive...and I really liked kissing. That's all there was to it. I was a shameless flirt and while I'm not as shameless anymore...well...I'm still a flirt.

When it's all said and done, no matter how much I may say that I would love to find love, I know that I will never actually be satisfied with whatever is given to me because I'm a pretty ungrateful person and I have yet to find someone who can be close to me that doesn't lose my interest within a couple months...and what's worse, the ones that do capture my attention? The ones that don't want me.

But of course. That's how the universe works, you know?

The beauty of the situation is this...I don't really have time for a relationship since I'm in a huge transition...probably one of the biggest of my life since it's kinda starting my entire career...but seeing friends getting engaged, getting married, and having kids--all different friends and all in different stages of life but all between the ages of 20 and 23--has me feeling a bit lonely.

Oh well. I have my career to keep me warm at night.
I just had to type that out to see how lonely it made me feel.
Pretty dang lonely.

catch up

So what's really good? Well...everything...for now at least, I'll know just how good everything is in the next couple days...but I'll save that for an all text post. Onto the pictures for today and yesterday since I failed to do any writing.

22/365: Yes...that is what you think it is (ie. urine) because with every great opportunity there are random things you have to do and when you're starting to work in a small area, the likelihood of you having to do pre-employment drug screening is kinda...likely. 

My older sister balked at the whole idea, "if the people up here had to do drug testing...man we wouldn't have any anchors or reporters." Well..at least I know what's happening up in NYC.

So that's what my life is right now, waiting for the results from this and waiting for my driving record to be scanned to see if I qualify for the job that I was offered. To my knowledge I should be fine...but if I were to not get this job? I'd....I don't know what I would do.

And can I say that my urine looks healthy...to me...like as far as umm...color? Nevermind. I don't know why I'm even discussing this...lol.

23/365: This was the rose from my Christmas gift from The Producer...I decided I wanted to dry it out so I could keep it long past when things ended with him. 

I know, I know, I'm a terrible person.

But realistically, things weren't going to work out no matter how much of an amazing guy he was...and why is that? Because sexual attraction matters...and I have none with him. No matter how much I may want to think about what a great guy he is and how he's got so much going for him, I know me...and I know that I don't really like him...I like how he makes me feel. 

And that's just not enough.

fists of fury

21/365: Today has been ridiculously hectic, but thankfully it slowed down significantly around 3:30 when The Producer asked me if I'd be available to pick him up from the airport since he was coming in from North Carolina and I had already stated that we needed to get together to celebrate my new job. His flight was scheduled to come in at 5 pm and I was more than pleased to be there to welcome him without any plans on how we would spend the rest of our time together.

As luck would have it, he's handy with his cellphone and after putting in some random information we were off to get some yummy pho and enjoy one another's company. After a couple hours together, we (meaning I) decided we should get dessert and we went to Max Brenner and that is how this picture came to be. I'm not even completely sure what it was called (because we got the sharing fondue platter which was way too much, but do I care? No. Not one bit.) but it was the best part of the entire dessert.

So. Freaking. Good.

Strawberries, ice cream, a waffle, blue berries, powdered sugar? Ugh. Heavenly.

It was just a great night out...we stayed until around 9 because I have work in the am and Lord knows I need whatever sleep I can get, especially since tomorrow might end up being a late night too with the company party--did someone say open bar?

Oh. I'm in there.

In more serious news about the whole man situation, I'm kinda at a loss for what's about to happen. In 3 weeks, I'll be in another state and well...that's just how life goes sometimes. The Producer and I might go away this weekend...we'll see what if things work out, but if they do it's sure to be a great time.

I won't address the fact that I got all emotional because of a song and almost cried in the car though. Nope. We won't go into details about that...until tomorrow. Or something, lol.

change is a'coming

20/365: Life comes at you fast.

And now I'm preparing to pack up everything that I own to move from my home with my grandparents in NJ to get an apartment in a city in Florida because I just landed my first reporting gig. Yes. Me. On TV. Being...*eyebrow raise*...serious.

I know. It's hard to imagine...but go with me on this.

Anyway, I'm turning in my two weeks notice on Wednesday and then it's all up from there.

To celebrate my new job, my grandparents and I went to the Sixers game against the Indiana Pacers. It was so much fun, we ate at the Capital Grille, I had filet mignon and garlic roasted mashed potatoes (so yummy) and then we watched them kick some tail.

The apprehension about what this job means for me didn't come until about 15 mins ago when I stopped to think about the fact that I'm packing up everything and leaving in less than a month. In less than a month...everything...everything changes.

plump

19/365: Today was a good day. Church was good, the lesson was on point and my hair looks fantastic…and I had fried chicken.

More important than fried chicken but less important than church was the conversation I had with my old UF friends Val and Vince. We chatted about our love lives and our work situations, how I'm part time in Philly, Vince is interning in NY, but might be getting something out in Orlando, and Val is packing up and going out to LA on a whim.

It's crazy what our lives are becoming…we're adults and we're learning about what we want, going for our dreams and loving it.

finding him

"I think it's because deep down, I know that if I truly seek God, if I ever really found Him, my heart, my life, all of me would never be the same. And that's scary. Especially for someone like me who has an extreme aversion to change." -Sarah, "Supposing We Really Found Him"

One of the biggest goals that I have this year is to really strengthen my personal relationship with God. While it hasn't been a bad relationship, I know that I haven't been giving my all, which interestingly enough, has been a trend with almost all of my relationships. I've had ex-boyfriends tell me that they felt as if I hadn't been willing to give them all of me when we were together, that while they would continue to open up over time, I would slowly but surely begin to put up a facade until I eventually fade away and break up with them--this has happened several times, I've actually never had a real, successful relationship. Back to the subject though, I worry that this is the same way that I handle my relationship with God. It's all good until I start feeling like I really need to open up, it's hard to admit your shortcomings, and since he already knows anyway what's the point in discussing it? Yeah...that's not the best way to handle certain issues.

Moving forward, the quote from Sarah really struck me because I realized the real reason why I'm so reluctant to really press forward. The fact of the matter is I don't really hate my life right now and I'm not fully sure that I'm ready for the way my life would change after a real encounter. I love God, I do...but in order for this relationship to work, I have to be willing to lose a bit of myself  all of myself for a bigger purpose. It's the idea of it being all about HIM and I know that some of the things that I enjoy aren't really high on his list of "likes" and that's...difficult to accept.

But I've made the decision that I'm willing to do more than just try, I'm willing to go forward and actually work for what I want. An encounter, a touch and ultimately a real relationship--my first and most important one.

avoiding the obvious

16/365: These are some cute puppies.

So. Freaking. Cute.
And I know that normally I have some story about stuff that goes with my pictures, but today, it's really about the puppies...why? BECAUSE THEY ARE SUPER CUTE...and I want a puppy.

• ...and I'd like to forget the fact that my car didn't want to brake on some ice and that I slid up a curb.
• ...and I'd like to forget the fact that I found out this cute guy at my job is 34...which is kinda creepy because of the flirty...like...blegh. He's 12 years older than me...closer to my mom's age than mine and I'm not ready to think about......BLEGH.
• ...and I'd like to forget that I'm still just a production assistant.
• ...and I'd like to forget that...nope...everything else is okay.

So...look at those puppies.

:)

the morning after

So, yesterday I kinda touched on the whole quarter-life crisis thing that 20-somethings go through, the whole concept of middleness and feelings of inadequacy that can come when you've graduated from college, but you haven't quite gotten to the next stage that you envisioned coming next. It's actually a pretty piss poor time of life if you focus on the negatives rather than looking at it as a time for some real self discovery, soul searching...but you know, with the way society works, it's no surprise that rather than enjoying our time out of school and learning what we really want to do with our lives, we're flipping out about why we haven't landed the dream job, why we aren't in a serious enough relationship--or if we are in a serious relationship, why we aren't engaged yet--it's just one thing on top of another and yesterday the icing on the cake was the whatever number engagement that I saw via Facebook...make no mistake, I'm super happy for this girl--I've known her since our freshman year of college, but it's a bit discouraging for me to see someone my age engaged (she is just one of many) while I have nothing to show for it.

Then comes the whole, why hasn't my career kicked off the way I want it to? Why are some of my classmates already slaving in these terrible areas reporting and I'm in this big city just being a production assistant?! I phrased it like that to remind myself how stupid I sound right now.

Yesterday was rough.

However, before I went to sleep, I hit up a good friend of mine and we talked for a little bit and he gave me some real encouragement. After the talk I had to play some thoughts in my head, just a few reminders to myself: I am only 22, I do have my entire life ahead of me, and focusing on others will only further hinder me. So I'm doing exactly what my dear friend Lo told me to:

Just be you. Stop comparing yourself to others, stop bothering yourself about what others are thinking or doing; you're holding yourself back. You can do great things and achieve what you want--pursue it wholeheartedly and you won't have any regrets.

time wasting

I never really fed too deeply into the reality TV craze until recently. From a practical perspective, I thought the shows were really stupid--and I still do--but when it comes down to bonding with people on Twitter, talking about the ridiculous things we see on TV is one of the easiest ways to "make friends" because we all hold the same opinions. For example, on Love & Hip-Hop, we all agree that Kimbella is the most ridiculous, idiotic, annoying person that you could be, Olivia has a super inflated ego for no good reason, Chrissy is kinda crazy, and Emily is…sad, really that's the only word you can use to describe that cast because that's precisely how they're typecast--but remember it's "reality."

I haven't really been keeping up with the show as of late, partially because my sleep schedule doesn't coincide with watching much TV, generally everything I watch is OnDemand and with so many options, I've decided that watching those shows isn't exactly something I want to participate in anymore.

So what's been filling my television time? With the cancellation of How to Make it in America (OMG WHY WOULD YOU CANCEL THAT SHOW?! Who cares that it's premise is…kinda unrealistic, it was giving hope to all those people in New York trying to live their dreams! You stop telling people to be practical!) I had to find new shows to look forward to. As a lover of crime shows, I found a cozy spot in my couch watching Rizzoli and Isles--why did no one tell me about this show sooner? I. Love. This. Show. Whether it's because I relate so strongly to Jane or the fact that I adore Lee Thompson Young (he's gorgeous and I've had a crush on him since The Famous Jett Jackson) the show is winning all around. The sub-plots make me happy and the writing is good enough for me, not to mention, the cast is attractive--did I say that? I didn't even mean Lee Thompson Young, I meant Angie Harmon--she's gorgeous--and Sasha Alexander.

Anyway, I don't know what other shows I'll be addicted to, but I'm quite pleased with this new addiction that happens to have a better plot, more attractive characters, and almost plays out more realistically then the reality television shows that VH1 can't seem to let go of…I mean, seriously--Baseball Wives? Come on now. Y'all can do better than that.

"sick of this"

12/365: It's a new day, it's a new month, it's a new YEAR! Whooo, I didn't really fully express my joy in my other post, so let me tell you that yesterday and today was one big *insert maniacal scream of happiness* for me. After last night's watch-night service at Kingdom Church, I'm really set to have the best year I could possibly have, something about being there really filled me up.

This morning, my sisters and I attended the service again for part two of the series, "I'm Sick of This" which is the idea of being sick of your current situation but knowing that in order to get better, you have to see the doctor. I'm not gonna sit here and preach to you, but know that it was a powerful message, definitely what I needed to kick off my year in the right mindset.

Another great way to kick off the year? Great music. If you're into gospel music you've heard of Tye Tribbett and if you haven't well--get into it. Amazing, awesome, anointed performer and so much fun to watch. He was a guest at the services today and he sang a couple of my favorite songs, so there was plenty of fun to be had.

All in all, great service, great music, and a great way to step into 2012--with a renewed mind and a desire to do better.

it's here, it's here

It's officially 2012! How awesome is that, eh? I'm quite excited about it. 2011 was a lot of fun, full of many changes and a lot of progress, but I have a strong feeling that 2012 will have even better things in store for me thanks to a great change in perspective.

I hope you had a great New Year's celebration, although mine did not go as I imagined it would, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I came into 2012 giggling with my older sister as we sat in a church anxiously looking at our cellphones because the time was so close--I know, I know, we should have been paying attention--but it was only 1 minute that we were in cahoots.

I brought in 2012 with 2 church services, a yummy late night dinner at David's Mai Lah Wah with great company, and a conversation with my step mother and sister that lasted until almost 6 am. Plenty of laughs, a few drinks, and an amazing time--that's how my NYE went down and while I know plenty of people who had more…eventful celebrations, my night ended up being really meaningful as I toasted to a great year with people that I love.

Hope your night was amazing as well!

2012 wishlist

2011 had a lot of great things for me. I graduated from the University of Florida, got my first job working in television in a large market, crossed some things off my bucket list, started a blog...kinda stopped it...then started a new one, met a bunch of new people, interned with a great website, started doing Youtube videos, went to Toronto and played mas, and made plenty of investments that I'm sure will stick with me for the long haul as long as I continue to commit. Taking all that into account, I have high hopes for 2012.

To begin with, I have chosen a song to be my theme for the year--judge all you wish, it won't change how I feel about it. I present to you Ashley's Theme for 2012:

Why I Was Here by Beyoncé? The song is, to me, simply a testament to doing the best that you can do, leaving an impact, and quite literally, doing everything that you wanted to do...and that my friends, is exactly what 2012 is going to be about. Rather than giving myself resolutions (though I do have a list of goals and things I'd like to achieve) I'm just going to do my best every single day to achieve everything that I possibly can. For me this is travelling, landing the job of my dreams, getting out of credit card debt, living my life in a fashion that I want to.

I recently did the Meyers-Brigg's personality test and found that I was an ENFJ (Extravert iNtuitive Feeling Judging) and with that knowledge came a better understanding of myself. It's actually kind of dead-on as far as how I work mentally, emotionally--all that stuff, and now armed with that bit of knowledge, I go into 2012 with a better understanding of how I work.

So what does this mean? Maybe nothing to y'all--but to me, it's simply a promise to myself to be the best Ashley that I could be. So here's to achieving goals, living life to the fullest, and having another great year.

Happy New Year's.

the curly girl

I feel like if I wanted to rename my blog at some point, I'd want it to be that: "the curly girl"--but I'm sure that's taken or something…so I'd have to rename it something like…"the curly g"…where g could mean girl or gangsta (you know it had to come) or some other noun that starts with g that I can't think of for whatever reason. Or maybe I should be the curly ashley or the curly…idk…but I have a fro and she's been kept straight for the past few weeks and I was dying on the inside to let her back out. So I did.

Dear Santa,

Thanks for the Huetiful, you really did me a solid. I'll totally be using it at least once a week to maintain my curly happiness…unless I get a job…then I might not use it once a week since I'd need my hair straight…so it'd probably be once a month. BUT IT'LL GET USED…YOU BETTER BELIEVE THAT.

Sincerely,
A Happy, Curly, Girl Named Ashley

tin tin and other family friendly things

I've been to the movies three times this week, thankfully not on my own dime, especially when you consider how expensive these things are getting. Today, my grandfather suggested I take my younger sister out to the movies, so I decided to watch The Adventures of Tin-Tin with her. Quite an enjoyable flick, cute and fast paced to keep your attention…almost too fast paced at the beginning, of course, I've never read the comic so maybe it's supposed to be like that? Regardless, it was a treat to watch.

…and from previews, I can tell that I'll be going broke in 2012 with all the movies that I'll be seeing, very exciting! I love, love, love movies, so I'm excited to get to check some out as well as get some good reading done.

I decided that another thing I should tack on my to-do list with resolutions is having a better relationship with family and friends. I'm actually really terrible at communicating, which is comical to me considering my desire to be a journalist, but I would like to get better. I blame it on my tendency to get bored with people. I hate talking to people on the phone, I don't necessarily even like being around people, not unless there's a purpose behind our being together--I suppose that would make me anti-social, but I would never be characterized as such because I seem really pleasant around others. Anyway, I decided to try my hand at being a better big sister and introduced my sister to Linkin Park, circa their Hybrid Theory days--sigh, back when things were easy. To my delight, she loves them. Thank you, Lord--because if she didn't, I might have to disown her.

breakfast love

7/365: I'm sure I'll eventually start posting pictures that aren't just for the 365er, but for now, I'm just happy to have made it through a week! Mini victories people, many victories come from seeing mini victories.

So, story behind this picture…this morning Mr. B and I met up for a breakfast date (because he owed me a meal) and we went to a local diner. It was a nice way to start the day, I ordered a breakfast combo not realizing just how much food I'd be getting--needless to say, it was far too much and I brought the best part home (untouched) for my younger sister to enjoy: cinnamon raisin french toast. Mr. B and I talked about his trip back to Atlanta, the sad state of music today, our grandparents (since we're childhood friends) among other things…he actually is probably back in Atlanta now.

At the end of the date he took a picture of us on his cellphone and gave me a kiss on the cheek, it was nice. He's a handsome fellow with long, lovely eyelashes and a smile that makes me melt just a little bit--but it's not okay to lust after him, he's a taken man…so I won't.

Remember, I'm not the homewrecking type.

monday madness

So it's the day after Christmas and everyone knows that that means it's shopping time…however, given my financial state, I've opted out of these traditions, although I will be taking my little sister out for a day so she can blow all her money on cute items from our local H&M.

All that being said, I had a miniature mental breakdown this morning as it hit me that if I get this job in PCB, I will be on my own…and that is terrifying for several reasons. The biggest obviously being my complete and total inability to budget to save my life. However, after a reassuring conversation with a friend of mine, I'm a bit more confident in asserting my independence as well as looking forward to setting forth on my own.

Speaking of this PCB job, I cannot tell you of anything that I've dealt with in recent days that has been more frustrating than the back and forth craziness I've been dealing with. The man who will be my boss is a complete and total…I don't even know what word to put to him. I'm sure in person he's a lot more efficient, but to put it lightly he has now failed to live up to his word three times. THREE TIMES. He's apologized profusely and just pushed things off further and further and I've gotten to a point where I'm just tired of the whole process that it takes to actually GET a job.

Sigh.

Who knew that dealing with people could be so aggravating?
Oh wait. I did. From 3 years working as a resident assistant and several years (you know, my whole life) being let down by others and being told that it's my own fault for expecting people to live up to their word.

[/rant]