adult life

Let's begin by saying "Oh my God, I have so much catching up to do on my Google Reader..." it's kinda ridiculous. Actually...it's more than kinda ridiculous, it's more like around 200 posts that I need to read.

(._. )

How do things get like this? Anyway, it's been a few days since I've posted because I've been on the road from New Jersey to Florida, a lot of packing, a lot of craziness...but, I just wanted to leave a quick update on what's been happening, namely being in Panama City Beach and being super close to being in an apartment! Depending on if I can get a security system installed, that will determine when I move in. I'm super excited. That's all I can say about that.

I'll be writing more soon, but I really should go to sleep.

By the way, it's so weird being in a different time zone. I want to be back on eastern standard time...but alas...that's all.

best big sister ever

Oh yes...I have the best big sister you could possibly have in the world. Why do I say that? Because it's true. One of the most true statements I could ever make. My big sister also works in television, she's at FOX in NY working as an overnight coordinator...she sent me an email yesterday and here's a bit of it that I'd like to remember forever because it reminds me why I'm so blessed to have the family that I do:

First things first, you won't "screw" this up, so get that notion out of your head. You'll mess up, you'll forget things, you'll disagree with management, you'll be youtubeable, but you'll be wonderful. That's already in you! Messing up makes you human and you'll learn quickly from your mistakes. It's not brain surgery and it won't be the end of the world if you make a few mistakes.

Okay, for the new job, it sounds like you're going to be a one-man band, which is a big undertaking. It's a boobie trap for a stressful environment. Since, you know that, you've already fought half the battle, now overcome it. Focus on the bigger picture, don't sweat the small stuff, smile, read the bible daily, condition your mind and condition your heart. There will probably be days when you want to slap the spit out of the mayor or a city councilmember, but always remember to take everything in stride. It's part of the battle of being a journalist and you signed up for it. Will you love it everyday? No. Will everyday be rewarding? No. But, as long as you're in the trenches giving people that voice they don't have, then you've done your job, well that day. It's going to be tough, but you're a fighter and you're officially in the trenches. Embrace those moments.

I truly believe that no one will ever be a better big sister than her. Nope. Not ever.

the ending

I owe pictures for what...the past 2 or 3 days? I don't remember...this week has been a haze.

Today is my last day at work and it's really kinda pointless for me to be here. Honestly, the primary role that I have here for the first five hours of my shift is getting scripts out to the anchors, however the girl replacing me has been coming in during the mornings, so there's been nothing for me to do. This has been good for me as far as reading what's happening in Panama City as well as reading plenty of random blogs that I've been missing out on.

As far as packing goes, almost everything is done. My clothes are all packed up, but I still have to get all my shoes and books together. I'm really unmotivated to do much of anything. I really...just want to sleep. I don't want to drive to NC, I don't want to drive to FL...I'm feeling this sort of random defeat that doesn't really make sense...even as I type this out it doesn't make sense to me. I think I'm just scared of what is about to come, living on my own, being a reporter, for real...it's so much responsibility.

I'm just tired.

There was something else I wanted to say...I forgot it. Maybe it'll come back when I finally post the pics...hopefully today...maybe tomorrow. Ugh. I feel like death. Not really. I just feel like I need sleep...asapedly.

inspiration

27/365: My grandfather has always been my biggest inspiration for everything I do, but especially as a journalist. Yesterday, I got the confirmation that everything went through fine for all my testing and I can officially say that I am a reporter. I am too happy and I know that my family is incredibly excited for what all is to come from this.

Anyway, yesterday (1/16/11) I took this picture of my grandfather receiving the Drum Major for Justice award from Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc. for his work towards empowering young black men. The award, inspired by the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is a big accomplishment, but for my grandfather it meant more to talk about my grandmother and myself while accepting his award. Needless to say, he is very proud of what I'm doing and I hope to continually make him proud.

This is my last week living up north...it feels odd saying that, because I could eventually be back here, but this is definitely my last extended bit of time up here for a few years. I leave Saturday first for North Carolina and then on Sunday morning I drive down to Florida, check into the hotel, wait for my grandmother so that we can start the search for an apartment.

This is real life.
This is really happening...right now.

mass confusion

I. Move. This. Week. As in, I need to have all my stuff packed to drive from NJ to NC and then to FL before Saturday when I dip out in the morning. On a sidenote: I still don't know if I technically have this job because I still haven't heard back about the drug test and about my letter of agreement. Oh. Great. I believe that I'm good to go. I'm only...slightly freaking out because I don't really know how these things work and it's not like I go to a happier place on a regular basis (omg that sounds terrible to me as I type it out...you can tell I don't do this often!) and if I were to not get this job...because of this...I'd be mad as all hell...but you win some, you lose some...this would be a major loss though. Make no mistake. 

24/365: This is The Producer. We had our last date...up here at least yesterday. We spent all night at Barnes and Nobles--y'all might think it's corny, however, I had a great time. We had a long talk...and I had spinach and artichoke quiche--I'm sorry, I love food...it's amazing. 

I decided to come clean yesterday about how I felt emotionally, ie. the lack of *ahem* sexual chemistry between the two of us...and wouldn't you know that by the end of the night I wanted to jump his bones. 

Yeah. Didn't make sense to me either.

BUT, regardless, I didn't. We had a long talk about my past and we just spent a lot of time learning about each other. Or rather, he learned a lot about me in a very short time. So much so that he said that he's going to base a movie character off me and when I asked who he'd have play me he said Zoe Kravitz...I consider that a definite compliment.

Funny moment: After telling him about my kinda sorta jacked up past, he said, "Don't take this the wrong way...I don't mean to come off as callous...but I really wish I had recorded that on camera because I'm going to base a movie on a character about you." I felt like that was the ultimate compliment, lol.

25/365: Okay...finally back on track. So yesterday I went shopping with my grandmother for clothes and today I went shopping for make up. LET ME TELL YOU--had I known before what I know now...my professional wardrobe would be massive. 

Can I just brag for a second? (Who gon' stop me huh?) I got 1 dress by Tahiri, 3 by Calvin Klein, a suit from Calvin Klein and another one from Nine West AND a top from Nine West. How much should it have been? $1,044. 

How much did we spend? $278.

TWO HUNDRED SEVENTY EIGHT. This. Is. Major. And everything is freaking beautiful. EVERYTHING.

change is a'coming

20/365: Life comes at you fast.

And now I'm preparing to pack up everything that I own to move from my home with my grandparents in NJ to get an apartment in a city in Florida because I just landed my first reporting gig. Yes. Me. On TV. Being...*eyebrow raise*...serious.

I know. It's hard to imagine...but go with me on this.

Anyway, I'm turning in my two weeks notice on Wednesday and then it's all up from there.

To celebrate my new job, my grandparents and I went to the Sixers game against the Indiana Pacers. It was so much fun, we ate at the Capital Grille, I had filet mignon and garlic roasted mashed potatoes (so yummy) and then we watched them kick some tail.

The apprehension about what this job means for me didn't come until about 15 mins ago when I stopped to think about the fact that I'm packing up everything and leaving in less than a month. In less than a month...everything...everything changes.

the morning after

So, yesterday I kinda touched on the whole quarter-life crisis thing that 20-somethings go through, the whole concept of middleness and feelings of inadequacy that can come when you've graduated from college, but you haven't quite gotten to the next stage that you envisioned coming next. It's actually a pretty piss poor time of life if you focus on the negatives rather than looking at it as a time for some real self discovery, soul searching...but you know, with the way society works, it's no surprise that rather than enjoying our time out of school and learning what we really want to do with our lives, we're flipping out about why we haven't landed the dream job, why we aren't in a serious enough relationship--or if we are in a serious relationship, why we aren't engaged yet--it's just one thing on top of another and yesterday the icing on the cake was the whatever number engagement that I saw via Facebook...make no mistake, I'm super happy for this girl--I've known her since our freshman year of college, but it's a bit discouraging for me to see someone my age engaged (she is just one of many) while I have nothing to show for it.

Then comes the whole, why hasn't my career kicked off the way I want it to? Why are some of my classmates already slaving in these terrible areas reporting and I'm in this big city just being a production assistant?! I phrased it like that to remind myself how stupid I sound right now.

Yesterday was rough.

However, before I went to sleep, I hit up a good friend of mine and we talked for a little bit and he gave me some real encouragement. After the talk I had to play some thoughts in my head, just a few reminders to myself: I am only 22, I do have my entire life ahead of me, and focusing on others will only further hinder me. So I'm doing exactly what my dear friend Lo told me to:

Just be you. Stop comparing yourself to others, stop bothering yourself about what others are thinking or doing; you're holding yourself back. You can do great things and achieve what you want--pursue it wholeheartedly and you won't have any regrets.

m.h.c.

15/365: I have turned into something like a creature of habit when I'm at work. Before the winter catalog opened at Dunkin Donuts, I would always get a sugar raised donut and an orange juice, but now that it's nippy enough for warm drinks to be necessary, I've been getting mint hot chocolate--HEAVENLY.

Anyway, aside from that, today was completely out of the ordinary for me. It was the first time I was working my new schedule from 4am to 12pm, a whole 15 minutes later than what I normally work but actually made a huge difference because it allots 15 extra minutes for sleep which is pretty much life changing.

Keeping in line with doing things differently, I did something completely out of the ordinary and called people today. I know, it's a simple thing, but it's not something I do very often and it felt so...weird, but in a great way. I had a funny conversation with an old girlfriend of mine and then later had a more necessary talk with an old guy friend who gave me some verses to look at and offered some encouragement after I had a quarter-life crisis which I'll probably address tomorrow because I feel like everyone can relate to the 20-something quarter-life crisis where we're forced to think about our middleness while our friends sometimes are getting way further ahead of us (you know, engagements, marriages, babies, that whole deal and let's not even talk about the whole...finding the job you actually want thing...but like I said, that's for tomorrow...not today.)

Back to this post though...I love my mint hot chocolates. They taste like happiness and I can't wait to have another one tomorrow morning while I muse over whatever is happening in the news at 5 am.

that's not racist, right?

If I had to give two words to describe this video, they would be hilarious and accurate…and I ain't mad about it. As a black girl who went to school with a lot of white people, in the south no less, comments like these were so common, it's more than a little ridiculous.

This video is the spawn of the "Sh*t Girls Say" video that surfaced less than a month ago which brought along "Sh*t Black Girls Say" "Sh*t Black Guys Say" "Sh*t Asians Say"--you get the picture. It's basically turned into a meme and while it's mostly comical, some of the stuff does raise a few eyebrows when you think about the actual context. Sure, we're not getting offended when we show it as a parody, but when it's actually happening?

Let me give you an example:

Somewhere in this video, the girl says something along the lines of, "The Jews were slaves, but you don't see us complaining about it." One day at my job, I found a piece somewhere on the Internet that spoke on how black people don't want an apology for slavery, they just want people to address the fact that it happened…there's no museum to commemorate the fact that this entire country was built on the backs of slaves…and before we get into any sort of disagreement about how bad slavery was for other races, let's consider the fact that if a white slave had a baby, that child was not considered the property of the slave's owner…but I digress…anyway, there hasn't been any sort of formal recognition of slavery in the United States. So we start having a discussion at the news desk and eventually someone else decides to pop their head in and she looks me dead in the eye and says, "You know, I get tired of hearing black people complain about this--I mean, no offense Ashley, but my ancestors are Irish, we went through the same thing and things are fine now."

Hold the entire eff up.


My anger at her wasn't as much about the fact that she compared her Irish ancestors to mine…but more because after that discussion started and I tried to explain the fact that she was wrong, the conversation morphed into one about rights and how things are still unequal for black people…and she kinda wanted to blame black people for the problems…and I mean, I guess she's kinda right considering that we can't change our skin color to look more like our Irish brethren. What crappy luck, right? I know.

All that being said, the video really brought the whole situation back to light for me because it's something that isn't really talked about. Sure, it's joked about among friends and every now and then a couple of my coworkers (who were completely shocked that she'd say something like that to begin with AND are white) jokingly say: "Oh c'mon Ashley--you don't know what a real struggle is--I mean, look at my Irish ancestors."

square one

10/365: This morning, Lauren Sivan tweeted something along the lines of how questioning her career choices as she woke up 10 mins before her alarm went off at 1:15 am…hmmm…this sounds a lot like something I wrote the other day. Anyway, I hit her with a tweet and she actually ended up favoriting (that's totally not a verb, I know--but it fits) it…the gist of it was simply me agreeing and saying that we're gluttons for punishment for working in morning news.

Anyway, that has little do with this picture and yet has everything to do with this picture. Over the course of the past 36 hours, I've applied to 12 different reporting jobs across the country. We're talking Colorado, California, Montana, Indiana, South Carolina, Ohio, New York--if you're in television market 101 and higher (well, technically lower…), I'm looking in your direction for a position.

Today's picture is just a snapshot of what my life will be consisting of for the next few months. It's kinda crazy when I really think about it, the fact that I'm back at square one for the job search, but it is what it is. When you want something you go for it…plus, I'm not as broke as I was before cha-ching, today is pay day and also my last work day of the year…I'm looking forward to the day when I'm not broke period (honestly, I work in TV, so that day will never really come) but until it does, I'm doing my best with what I got.

P.S. I picked out my anthem for 2012…it's a song from this year, a ballad, that is my inspiration and my go to pick me up make me want to change the world song. I'm so happy for everything that's going to be happening in my life. It's going to be amazing. :)

bad things happen in threes

So many things on my mind and it's only 6:12 am. Let me start by saying, I love lists. Absolutely adore them. So I'm breaking down this post into 3 bullet points before diving headfirst into it all in a few paragraphs.

• I almost committed murder this morning.
• My car kinda sorta might have it out for me...but not really.
• People in high school have lost all of their senses and there's no solution.

So...from the beginning.

This morning I woke up 10 minutes before my first alarm. For the record, I have 3 alarms that go off on mornings that I have to work because I have to be at work by 3:45 am which means I need to be out of my bed by 2:15--no big deal. Anyway, I have an early alarm at 1:35 so that my brain is completely ready for the second alarm at 1:45 and then the third alarm at 2:05. It may seem excessive, but those three alarms (all music) ensure that I'm in the best possible mood.

Moving forward, I woke up 10 minutes before my first alarm...now for some people, this may be a terrible thing, but I don't mind it. So, it's 1:25 am, and I'm laying in my bed with my eyes open when I hear it. This terrible sound coming from my younger sister as she grinds her teeth in her sleep. In that moment, all joy that I got from hearing this song (it brings me to pleasant memories of this summer) was GONE. I instantly switched over to I want to kill you mode.

My first defense? Holding her nostrils shut until she opened her mouth to gasp for air then telling her, in my sternest voice, stop grinding your teeth! I then allowed her to go back to sleep and don't you know she starts up AGAIN. This time, I reached into her mouth and manually pulled her teeth apart. SUE ME. So after that, she went back to sleep and didn't do it again...but by that time, I'd left the room to take my shower.

So, on my way to work, I was blasting my music as usual, having a great time. I cross over the bridge to get into Philadelphia for work and because I don't have an EZ-Pass, I always pay the tolls. I give the man my money and head on over before realizing that my window won't go up. Mind you, I'm going around 50 mph, it's about 30 degrees outside, and my heat isn't quite kicking yet. I get over the bridge, still trying to get my window up, and it just won't budge. So now I'm on I-95 and you can't go 50 on I-95. So I'm hitting somewhere around fastenoughtogetpulledoverbutnotquitepushingit and--you guessed it--window still stuck down. So I did what any smart driver does, blast my music 5x louder and hold that button until some action happened.

In time, it did.

Thank GAWD.

And finally...a video that sums up everything that that last bullet point says.

Needless to say, I'm pretty sure they're broken up now...but best of luck to them and to her, because I think the whole thing is foolish. Get the hell out of dodge talking 'bout "I absolutely love you" after one week.

Just GET OUT.

window watching

8/365: I've always enjoyed watching sunrises and with my early morning schedule, watching them is almost always a part of my week. Every morning that I'm at work, this is my view. Today it came as a reminder that things always get better.

Yesterday it was stormy and pretty disgusting out, grey skies, cold wind, the works…today, even though it was still windy, the skies ended up being the most beautiful shade of blue with fluffy white clouds, just an all around lovely day. I've been pretty upset about things with me trying to secure this position and after having the door slammed in my face--albeit for good reason, there's no such thing as being "too experienced" in journalism--I got a text today that made me remember that it's certainly not the end of the world…and who knows, it could be information that gets me to my next spot.

I'm constantly reminding myself that when it comes to this job, competition will always be fierce. There just aren't enough reporting jobs out there and for every new reporter trying to get a start in the southeast, there's a more experienced reporter who's just trying to get out of the cold weather up north--just taking our jobs, no shame I tell ya.

the dunkin donut chronicles

One of the advantages to having an entry level job at a television station is that I get the o'so glamorous task of getting breakfast for the anchors--I mean, who wouldn't want to stand outside Dunkin Donuts at 5 am to get coffee, donuts, and sammiches, amirite? *looks around* No? Okay, cool--difference of opinion, obvi.

So, up until a couple months ago, things were perfectly fine, probably because Hak was the manager of the store. He ran that baby like a well-oiled machine, 5 am, the doors were open, the donuts were seemingly fresh, and I could hand him a list and he'd have everything cranked out in 5 mins with a complimentary box of donuts for the worker bees in the newsroom. Talk about service.

You can imagine everyone's surprise when Hak was...disposed of.

It was like our world came to a stop, service hit a brick wall with the doors remaining locked until past 5:15 and we were forced to work with James, a tall, burly black man with hazel-colored contacts that often got our drink sizes wrong, forgot cream and sugar, or forgot drinks...in general. I was always a bit confused as to how he managed to do that considering he had a handwritten list in front of him with everything we watned. Pretty much it was the ultimate downgrade...the complimentary donuts stopped and so did our discounts.

What made the whole situation even worse was how oblivious James was to the fact that I wanted nothing to do with him. I don't know, I guess saying you're the shift leader at the local Dunkin Donuts is a hot pickup line for some ladies, but not for this one. Honestly, I don't trust any grown man with colored contacts, so batting those big fake eyes at me isn't getting you anywhere. To my displeasure, it's not just him who tends to give me extra attention at DD, I've also had the pleasure of attracting the attention of security guards from our building who like to make casual conversation with me. Now, because I have manners I respond back to what they say, but after 3 months of being super considerate, it got old, and I'm not sure how many monosyllabic answers I can give before he gets the clue that this girl is uninterested.

I know, I know...I really shouldn't complain that I get attention from these guys, but at the same token, it's unwanted...so what's the best way of telling guys to leave me the hell alone? Hmm? Someone. Please assist me.

starting over

You can't win 'em all, kid.

That's all that keeps repeating in my head, but I can't really call the situation I'm in a loss…long story short, I got the call that I was ranting about the other day and it didn't quite go as planned…but there is promise.

The basic facts: I didn't get the job in Panama City Beach…but it's for the same reason that I didn't get the other job that I interviewed for: someone with more experience was willing to do the same job for the same low price. It's what happens, you know?

The good part? They want to consider me for a job in the coming months…and THAT is promising for several reasons. Primarily that it can help me prepare for living on a budget, learning to cook, and all that other wonderfulness that I was speaking on yesterday. The real world isn't something I'm necessarily prepared for, but now I've gotten my foot in the door and while it seems to be almost closed in on me, it isn't…not just yet. So, now I have a plan of things that I'll be doing and preparing and luckily, I'll have even more time up here…the downside: winter is coming…and I haven't dealt with snow in 11 years.

Oh joy.

monday madness

So it's the day after Christmas and everyone knows that that means it's shopping time…however, given my financial state, I've opted out of these traditions, although I will be taking my little sister out for a day so she can blow all her money on cute items from our local H&M.

All that being said, I had a miniature mental breakdown this morning as it hit me that if I get this job in PCB, I will be on my own…and that is terrifying for several reasons. The biggest obviously being my complete and total inability to budget to save my life. However, after a reassuring conversation with a friend of mine, I'm a bit more confident in asserting my independence as well as looking forward to setting forth on my own.

Speaking of this PCB job, I cannot tell you of anything that I've dealt with in recent days that has been more frustrating than the back and forth craziness I've been dealing with. The man who will be my boss is a complete and total…I don't even know what word to put to him. I'm sure in person he's a lot more efficient, but to put it lightly he has now failed to live up to his word three times. THREE TIMES. He's apologized profusely and just pushed things off further and further and I've gotten to a point where I'm just tired of the whole process that it takes to actually GET a job.

Sigh.

Who knew that dealing with people could be so aggravating?
Oh wait. I did. From 3 years working as a resident assistant and several years (you know, my whole life) being let down by others and being told that it's my own fault for expecting people to live up to their word.

[/rant]

horoscopes don't lie

It is 6:20 am and where am I? Where I always am at the end of the week, work...been here since 3:45 am, I don't have a problem with that either--I thoroughly enjoy my job 2/3 of the time--but as I sit here waiting for more things to kick off in my life, I can't help but be anxious.

For those of you that don't know, I've been at my current job for almost 6 months and for the most part, I've been satisfied, but recently I've found myself bitten by a bug that craves some forward movement. To add to that, the only place to really go from this job is somewhere I don't actually want to be. So I do what any smart person does...I start to look elsewhere...and that looking may be paying off soon.

I've been in a slight run around situation with a television station in Panama City Beach, FL. Mostly, it's been a situation where they've been busy with Christmas and New Years' specials, so scheduling interviews has been more than a simple task. I've been paying a bit more attention to my horoscope (I know, I know...corny) but it's a bit interesting that what's being said lines up with what's happening.

On the 9th, it said that things would start falling in place for me when it came to work, I happened to apply to the job (among several others) that day and heard back from them that day. My career will alledgedly start to really come together and boost some forward movement right after Christmas. Ding ding--I've been going back and forth trying to make these interviews happen, specifically to set up an interview with the general manager of the station. The news director is in charge of this and, by no fault of his own, we haven't been able to get in touch. People have been out of town, he's been having to pick up quite a bit of slack--so we finally talk again and now we're scheduled to discuss my interview with the GM on Monday.

The day after Christmas.

I know, it could just be a coincidence, more likely than not, it's just how things happened to play out...all I'm saying is that things have been preeeeetty accurate.